Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extent do yuo agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child #health #yuo

Nowadays

children

spend their

time

with television and

play

Wrong verb form

playing

show examples

computer

games

However

, the majority of people claim that these activities are not suitable for their mental and in terms of psychology ,

this

issue leads to mental

health's

Change noun form

health

show examples

problems. I agree with

this

topic completely and I will explain my own opinion in

further

paragraphs.

To begin

with , it is undeniable that almost most

children

prefer to play video

games

or watch television

for spending

Change preposition

to spend

show examples

their leisure

time

It is clear that

sometimes

this

is harmful

for

Change the preposition

show examples

their mental health.

Furthermore

, it causes physical problems

also

. But , mental problems are very

seriousely

Correct your spelling

seriously

serious

For instance

, there are a lot of war

games

, which

Correct subject-verb agreement

are

show examples

dangerouse

Correct your spelling

dangerous

for their mind. These

games

lead to

Correct article usage

a decreas

show examples

decreas

Correct your spelling

decrease

decreases

decreased

their

Change preposition

in their

show examples

abilities

Fix the agreement mistake

ability

show examples

for

Change preposition

show examples

decision

Fix the agreement mistake

decisions

show examples

about important issues in their lives.

On the other hand

, they may participate in

violence

Replace the word

violent

show examples

competition that has negative effects on their confidence. In my idea , video

games

or watching television are not good. Since

children

watch

thes

Correct your spelling

these

programs from

time

that

Correct word choice

apply

show examples

it declines their learning

randeman

Correct your spelling

rate

due to

their mind

Wrong verb form

being

show examples

engaged with the game.

Morover

Correct your spelling

Moreover

, they can not

focuse

Correct your spelling

focus

on their education

as well as

possible.

As a consequence

, they would not improve .

Hence

, it can be effective

Change preposition

show examples

their

Change the word

the

show examples

future.

To sum up

, online

games

and media are not useful if

children

use

Correct pronoun usage

them a

show examples

lot.

Thus

, parents should let them

Change the verb form

apply

show examples

use these programs

according to

their needs when they want to relax.

Submitted by rastaebrahimifar on Fri Jun 21 2024

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coherence cohesion

Focus on developing the central argument and ensuring that ideas are logically organized.

coherence cohesion

Improve the introduction by providing a clearer thesis statement.

task achievement

Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your main points.

general

Be careful with grammar and spelling to enhance clarity and readability.

task achievement

Consider discussing some potential benefits of TV and video games to provide a balanced argument.

task achievement

The essay addresses the task by discussing the impact of TV and video games on children's mental health.

supported main points

Good attempt at providing reasoning for why TV and video games might be harmful.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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16Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
24Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

255 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extent do yuo agree or disagree?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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