Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extent do yuo agree or disagree?

Nowadays
children
spend their
time
with television and
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
computer
games
.
However
, the majority of people claim that these activities are not suitable for their mental and in terms of psychology ,
this
issue leads to mental
health's
Change noun form
health
show examples
problems. I agree with
this
topic completely and I will explain my own opinion in
further
paragraphs.
To begin
with , it is undeniable that almost most
children
prefer to play video
games
or watch television
for spending
Change preposition
to spend
show examples
their leisure
time
.
It is clear that
sometimes
this
is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
their mental health.
Furthermore
, it causes physical problems
also
. But , mental problems are very
seriousely
Correct your spelling
seriously
serious
.
For instance
, there are a lot of war
games
, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
dangerouse
Correct your spelling
dangerous
for their mind. These
games
lead to
Correct article usage
a decreas
show examples
decreas
Correct your spelling
decrease
decreases
decreased
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
abilities
Fix the agreement mistake
ability
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
about important issues in their lives.
On the other hand
, they may participate in
violence
Replace the word
violent
show examples
competition that has negative effects on their confidence. In my idea , video
games
or watching television are not good. Since
children
watch
thes
Correct your spelling
these
programs from
time
to
time
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it declines their learning
randeman
Correct your spelling
rate
due to
their mind
is
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
engaged with the game.
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, they can not
focuse
Correct your spelling
focus
on their education
as well as
possible.
As a consequence
, they would not improve .
Hence
, it can be effective
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
their
Change the word
the
show examples
future.
To sum up
, online
games
and media are not useful if
children
use
a
Correct pronoun usage
them a
show examples
lot.
Thus
, parents should let them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
use these programs
according to
their needs when they want to relax.
Submitted by rastaebrahimifar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Focus on developing the central argument and ensuring that ideas are logically organized.
coherence cohesion
Improve the introduction by providing a clearer thesis statement.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your main points.
general
Be careful with grammar and spelling to enhance clarity and readability.
task achievement
Consider discussing some potential benefits of TV and video games to provide a balanced argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the impact of TV and video games on children's mental health.
supported main points
Good attempt at providing reasoning for why TV and video games might be harmful.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: