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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today’s world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #history #school #subjects #today’s #world #science #technology
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Some people argue that
courses
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 in
history
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 should be a top priority in the school curriculum,
whereas
Linking Words
 others claim that nowadays
courses
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 related to
science
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 and
technology
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 have greater importance than
history
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 classes. I agree with
latter
Add an article
the latter
show examples
 opinion because those who focus on disciplines related to
science
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 and
technology
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 can earn higher salaries in the
future
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. On the one hand, it can be argued that
courses
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 in
history
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 can foster patriotism in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
students
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.
This
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 is because by attending
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
history
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courses
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, young people can learn and know that without their ancestors' sacrifice, blood and hard work, they would not be able to live the type of lifestyle they are living now.
As a result
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, their love for their nation will develop day by day and want to give back to their country.
However
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, I think
history
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 classes can not provide
necessary
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the necessary
show examples
 skills for
further
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 development and to contribute to their nation, which makes patriotism useless.
On the other hand
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,
students
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 who put much effort into
courses
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 in
science
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 and
technology
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 will have a better chance
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
secturing
Correct your spelling
securing
 to
a high-paid positions
Correct the article-noun agreement
a high-paid position
high-paid positions
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 in the
future
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. The reason is that these
courses
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 train their ability to be innovative and to invent something new, and with
this
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 ability, they will be able to bring innovation to their
future
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 employers.
Consequently
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, employers in turn will promote them to bigger salaries.
For example
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, computer software engineers at Google get paid 155,000 dollars a year. I agree with
this
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 statement because the only reason
students
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gp
Correct your spelling
go
 to school is
getting
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to get
show examples
 a high-paying job in the
future
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. In conclusion,
while
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history
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courses
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 can turn
students
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 into patriots, I believe classes related to
science
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 and
technology
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 are more important by helping to get
high-paid
Correct your spelling
high-paying
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider expanding on the reasoning behind why history fosters patriotism while maintaining a balanced argument for both sides.
Task Response
More specific examples and details could strengthen the essay. For instance, elaborate on the practical applications of science and technology education.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure all arguments flow smoothly from one to another. Some transitions between points could be made clearer.
Task Response
Clear and straightforward thesis statement that outlines the writer's opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Well-organized essay structure with distinct paragraphs for different points.
Task Response
Relevant examples provided to support the arguments, such as the salary of computer software engineers at Google.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural heritage
  • Historical perspective
  • Analytical skills
  • Contextual understanding
  • Technological advancements
  • STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics)
  • Innovation
  • Interdisciplinary
  • Job market
  • Climate crisis
  • Cultural identity
  • Critical thinking
  • Humanities
  • Contemporary issues
  • Integration
  • Tech-savvy
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