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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today’s world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #history #school #subjects #today’s #world #science #technology
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Some people argue that
courses
 in
history
 should be a top priority in the school curriculum,
whereas
 others claim that nowadays
courses
 related to
science
 and
technology
 have greater importance than
history
 classes. I agree with
latter
Add an article
the latter
show examples
 opinion because those who focus on disciplines related to
science
 and
technology
 can earn higher salaries in the
future
. On the one hand, it can be argued that
courses
 in
history
 can foster patriotism in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
students
.
This
 is because by attending
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
history
courses
, young people can learn and know that without their ancestors' sacrifice, blood and hard work, they would not be able to live the type of lifestyle they are living now.
As a result
, their love for their nation will develop day by day and want to give back to their country.
However
, I think
history
 classes can not provide
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
show examples
 skills for
further
 development and to contribute to their nation, which makes patriotism useless.
On the other hand
,
students
 who put much effort into
courses
 in
science
 and
technology
 will have a better chance
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
secturing
Correct your spelling
securing
 to
a high-paid positions
Correct the article-noun agreement
a high-paid position
high-paid positions
show examples
 in the
future
. The reason is that these
courses
 train their ability to be innovative and to invent something new, and with
this
 ability, they will be able to bring innovation to their
future
 employers.
Consequently
, employers in turn will promote them to bigger salaries.
For example
, computer software engineers at Google get paid 155,000 dollars a year. I agree with
this
 statement because the only reason
students
gp
Correct your spelling
go
 to school is
getting
Change the verb form
to get
show examples
 a high-paying job in the
future
. In conclusion,
while
history
courses
 can turn
students
 into patriots, I believe classes related to
science
 and
technology
 are more important by helping to get
high-paid
Correct your spelling
high-paying
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider expanding on the reasoning behind why history fosters patriotism while maintaining a balanced argument for both sides.
Task Response
More specific examples and details could strengthen the essay. For instance, elaborate on the practical applications of science and technology education.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure all arguments flow smoothly from one to another. Some transitions between points could be made clearer.
Task Response
Clear and straightforward thesis statement that outlines the writer's opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Well-organized essay structure with distinct paragraphs for different points.
Task Response
Relevant examples provided to support the arguments, such as the salary of computer software engineers at Google.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural heritage
  • Historical perspective
  • Analytical skills
  • Contextual understanding
  • Technological advancements
  • STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics)
  • Innovation
  • Interdisciplinary
  • Job market
  • Climate crisis
  • Cultural identity
  • Critical thinking
  • Humanities
  • Contemporary issues
  • Integration
  • Tech-savvy
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