IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with the police or the military. Others think that women are less suitable for this kind of job. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In the current context,
although
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
equality between males and females
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been accepted by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
globalization. There is a claim
about
Change preposition
that
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 are unsuitable for jobs like
police
Use synonyms
 officers and soldiers.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
I strongly disagree since
Women
Use synonyms
 have the right to choose careers they are interested in and there is just physical suitability that
maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
 be a limitation compared to men, which could be a
challenges
Correct the article-noun agreement
challenge
show examples
 for
women
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 career field.
Nonetheless
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,
this
Linking Words
 is the thing that can be improved and adjusted. On the one hand,
Due to
Linking Words
 the common understanding from external perspectives, military and
police
Use synonyms
 work often require physical strength for tasks
such
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 as arresting criminals, going
Change preposition
to wars
show examples
wars
Fix the agreement mistake
war
show examples
 or protecting civilians and the country. Individuals who work in these areas are typically expected to
Add a missing verb
have
show examples
strong physical capabilities. ,
However
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
, generally have a
body
Use synonyms
 structure
that is
Linking Words
 weaker compared to men, characterized by narrower skeletons, less muscle mass, and lower
body
Use synonyms
 fat.
According to
Linking Words
 the research on the physical
body
Use synonyms
 of 150 female and male
police
Use synonyms
 officers conducted by Kasetsart University, female
police
Use synonyms
 are more flexible but less strong compared with males. On the other hand, The resilience of our bodies can be cultivated.
For example
Linking Words
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
increasing muscle cell division through regular exercise or adding fat to the
body
Use synonyms
 through
take
Verb problem
apply
show examples
an appropriate
diets
Correct the article-noun agreement
diet
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, we currently live in a modern era where
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
freedom and rights
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 very sensitive. Every gender, every age, and every social class has equal rights.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 have the right to choose their careers and future paths. In summary, the statement arguing in the present about “Are
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 appropriate in taking
police
Use synonyms
 officers and soldiers as a job?”. I really disagree since the reason that
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 do not suit
this
Linking Words
 field is just because of their physical
body
Use synonyms
 which they can develop by changing routine.
Moreover
Linking Words
, when it comes to rights and freedoms, they have the right to choose and decide for themselves.

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task achievement
Ensure there are no grammatical errors and that your sentences are clear and concise. For example, "There is a claim about women are unsuitable" should be revised to "There is a claim that women are unsuitable."
task achievement
Use more specific examples and statistics to support your arguments. While you mentioned a study by Kasetsart University, elaborating on what the study entailed and its significant findings would strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Streamline your ideas to maintain clear and comprehensive thoughts throughout the essay. It would be helpful to outline your key points before you write to ensure each paragraph contributes to your thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Use cohesive devices like "Moreover", "In addition" or numerical transitions like "Firstly" and "Secondly" to help guide the reader through your argument.
introduction conclusion present
The essay contains an introduction and conclusion, which frame the arguments effectively.
complete response
The essay attempts to address both views on the topic and lands on a clear opinion, showing a complete response.
relevant specific examples
The argument about physical capability and rights of choice are relevant and specific to the topic.
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