IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #move #friends #families #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the modern world, individuals tend to live far away from their family and loved
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
due to
 work arrangements. There are various reasons behind
this
,
along with
 multiple pros and cons.
This
 essay will discuss the negative and positive sides of the matter before presenting my agreement with the advantages. On the
one
 hand, residing distantly from family and friends leads to a certain level of disconnection. In case of an emergency like the loss of a loved
one
, the individual might miss out
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
last
 chance to see the person.
Additionally
, living far away means some special events will be missed.
This
 is
due to
 external factors like the inability to organise time or internal factors like financial incapability.
Furthermore
, moving away from a country, or a city, means the workers will have to rent, rather than live in their family home.
This
 , indeed, involves more costs to the person.
On the other hand
, stepping out of the comfort zone means more opportunities will come along.
In particular
, there are more job options, and individuals can opt for whichever
one
 suits their level of expertise and expected income salary, outside of their circle. Some people choose to work overseas, in a developed country, as they want to have a better future for themselves and their family members. These hardworking workers later will come back to help their families financially. Research from the University of Tasmania shows that 70% of their migrant workers live far away from their loved ones, yet
still
Add a missing verb
are still
show examples
 happy where they are.
To conclude
, I acknowledge that living away from close
one
 carries a lot of disadvantages emotionally, I am of the opinion that
this
 is the best chance for an individual to change their lives.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each point, perhaps by providing more detailed examples or statistics. This will help in conveying your ideas more comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure to use more varied linking phrases and transition words. This will help in making the essay read more smoothly and logically.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages, which is crucial for addressing the task effectively.
coherence cohesion
The points made in each paragraph are relevant and well-aligned with the central argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure, comprising an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides, and a conclusion. This makes the essay easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • career advancement
  • job opportunities
  • job market
  • salaries
  • personal growth
  • cultural horizons
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • global perspective
  • emotional and psychological impact
  • loved ones
  • loneliness
  • homesickness
  • support network
  • long-distance relationships
  • emotional strain
  • face-to-face interactions
  • financial cost
  • housing deposits
  • travel costs
  • living expenses
What to do next:
Look at other essays: