IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both theses views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #part #group #activities #time #theses
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent times, some people believe that parents should encourage their
children
 to take time with
groups
 in their free time.
However
, others say that it is essential for
children
 to learn how to occupy themselves on their own.
This
 essay will discuss both views and I will draw my personal conclusion. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, some people
agrued
Correct your spelling
argued
argue
 that
children
 should take part in organized group activities for many reasons. The first
reason
 is that
kids
 will be more
socialization
Replace the word
social
show examples
.
According to
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
 survey, "The
precentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of
Children
 who are socializing with others is about 90 % around the world”.
Thus
, the effect of socialization is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
positive for
children
 to active with each other. The second
reason
 is that they learned a
lot
Add the preposition
lot of
show examples
 activities in
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 best way. So, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents prefer their
children
 to connect with their friends and share their activities with each other.
That is
 the main essential
reason
.
On the other hand
, others believe that
kids
 might learn independently with their own to how  occupy and learn new skills. Learning independently is the main important
reason
. Some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
families prefer their sons to discover new skills alone because it improves their gain new knowledge in the best side rather than with
groups
. What is more, some
kids
 do not
fouce
Correct your spelling
force
face
 well with
groups
, when they learn a new skill.
Thus
, some families prefer their
kids
 to enjoy their own time alone to be more creative. In conclusion, there is no doubt that parents have different views about
this
 issue
according to
 their own reasons and what they prefer for their
kids
. In my opinion, I agree with
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
 view because
kids
 are learning actively and socially more with
groups
.
Submitted by almeem on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph elaborates on a single main idea. In the current essay, points about socialization and learning new skills are repeated without clear organization.
task achievement
When presenting statistics or survey results, ensure real or specific sources if possible. The mentioned survey feels ambiguous.
task achievement
Expand on examples and explanations. For instance, describe specific activities, types of skills, or scenarios to make your points more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay clearly discusses both viewpoints and provides a personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, enhancing readability.
coherence cohesion
The rationale for the benefits of socialization and independent learning is logical and relatable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: