Some people believe that time spent on television and computer games can be valuable for children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
We live in the information era. Many people in the world have a
computer
, smartphone, and another electronic devices
. Not only the world has changedReplace the adjective
another electronic device
other electronic devices
,
people have changed Add the word(s)
, but
also
. The contemporary
Correct article usage
Contemporary
children
spend their time not only playing in the street,
but and playing Remove the comma
apply
in
Change preposition
apply
computer
games
. Some people believe that this
can be useful and valuable for children
, others
believe that Correct word choice
while others
this
has negative effects. We will discuss this
aspect from
Change preposition
of
children
lives in Change noun form
children's
further
part of Correct article usage
a further
essay
and consider both views.
Add an article
the essay
an essay
Firstly
, we will analyze the first logical point of view. Supporters this
theory allege that Change preposition
of this
computer
games
can serve in
educational purposes. Some genres of Change preposition
apply
games
, such
as the
strategies or Correct article usage
apply
the
education, Correct article usage
apply
very
helpful. The strategies can Add a missing verb
are very
learn
a child Verb problem
teach
ruling
elaborate systems. Change the verb form
to rule
For example
, Correct article usage
a very
very
good series of Correct article usage
a very
games
is called "Civilization", these games
about
Add a missing verb
are about
governance
of the whole country, it Add an article
the governance
learn
Change the verb form
learns
Wrong verb form
understand
understanding
any political problems. The historical Wrong verb form
understand
games
help us learning
history and feel Wrong verb form
learn
a
spirit of that epoch. Correct article usage
the
For instance
, game
Add an article
a game
the game
in
called "Hearts of Iron 4". It is a complex game dedicated to the Second World War. Some educational Correct your spelling
is
games
set a goal learning
persons of something.
Change preposition
for learning
Secondly
, the contrary opinion. Proponents this
position state that Change preposition
of this
pastime
Correct article usage
the pastime
playing
Change preposition
of playing
in
Change preposition
apply
computer
games
exert
negative effects on Correct subject-verb agreement
exerts
the
Correct article usage
apply
children
. They spend their time in the fresh air less therefore
youngsters become fewer
healthy than their Correct quantifier usage
less
ancestry
formerly. The sedentary Replace the word
ancestors
lifestile
causes some Correct your spelling
lifestyle
diceases
. Correct your spelling
diseases
Also
not all Add a comma
Also,
computer
games
develop Change preposition
apply
of
Change preposition
apply
Fix the agreement mistake
brain
brains
, some Fix the agreement mistake
brain
Correct pronoun usage
apply
ones
can be harmful Correct pronoun usage
apply
for
the nervous system.
In conclusion, I have rather a positive attitude Change the preposition
to
to
Change preposition
toward
computer
games
, it is the
great instrument for education. But we Correct article usage
a
chould
restrain Correct your spelling
should
could
children
from the
excessive overuse and Correct article usage
apply
motivated
them to do sports.Wrong verb form
motivate
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task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced discussion and addresses both views of the topic. However, some points could be expanded to provide a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity, make sure to improve the use of linking words and transitional phrases. This will help in creating a smoother flow of ideas.
grammar and vocabulary
There are minor grammatical and vocabulary errors that affect readability. Pay attention to the usage of articles, subject-verb agreement, and word choice.
task achievement
You have chosen relevant and specific examples that support your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion which frame the discussion well.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example