IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Write about the following topic: Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
The amount of available sugar in processed foods and drinks is growing to be a globally concerning issue. There is a consensus that the price of these products should be increased so that
people
 would not be able to consume them on a regular basis.
This
,
however
, is not a practical way to approach
this
 problem
due to
 its temporary results and illogical rationale. There is no doubt that high intake of
proceed
Verb problem
processed
show examples
 foods can impose dangers on
individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
individual's
show examples
overall
 well-being.
This
,
however
, does not grant any permission to the authorities to manipulate peoples' wants and preferences by increasing the prices.
In other words
,
people
 should be trusted with the decisions they make and if they show a pattern of consistently bad choices, the authorities can use educational tools to give them insights
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
 what benefits their lives rather than taking control of their shopping by fluctuating the prices.
However
, it is understandable that some hold the idea that the goal justifies the means. and
therefore
, opt for the fastest yet most controlling measures that
intervenes
Change the verb form
intervene
show examples
 with peoples' personal lives.
This
 perspective resembles my mother shouting at me so that I would wear a coat to be warm
while
 I was resisting to do so. I, today, believe that it was my right to decide on something, face its consequences , and learn from the outcome
om
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
 my possible mistakes.
Th
Correct your spelling
The
show examples
 same
implies
Verb problem
applies
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 sugary products
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the government
has
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not
the
Add a missing verb
have the
show examples
 right to manipulate peoples' decisions
deprive
Correct word choice
and deprive
show examples
 them
from
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the things
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 might have learned
making
Change preposition
by making
show examples
 the mistake. In conclusion, despite the growing controversy on the merits of governments leading the
citizen's
Change noun form
citizens'
show examples
 choices and preferences,In my
viewed
Verb problem
apply
show examples
opinion , the only thing that the
people
 in power are able to do regarding the
concerning
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
consumption of manufactured foods, is
educating
Wrong verb form
educate
show examples
people
 on its potential risks and no more.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task response
Your introduction presents a clear stance, but it could benefit from further clarification. Simplifying complex sentences will aid in comprehension and strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure you are using a variety of sentence structures and transitions to maintain coherence throughout your essay. This includes linking ideas between and within paragraphs logically.
task response
Provide more concrete examples to support your arguments. Specific examples will strengthen your points and demonstrate a deeper level of engagement with the topic.
task response
Watch out for grammatical errors and typos, like 'proceed' instead of 'processed' or 'om' instead of 'on.' These can detract from the overall clarity of your essay.
task response
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and provides a well-reasoned argument. You have effectively presented a strong stance against the proposed solution of increasing prices.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, providing a solid framework for your argument.
task response
You use a personal anecdote which makes your argument more relatable and engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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