“Nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their career.” To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children?

The
kids
can have good
behaviour
whether they are brought up by the parents or not. I disagree with the notion that children need the presence of the father and mother so as to have positive habits. Effective communication and being a good role model can build a sense of good
behaviour
among the little ones. To start with, parents need to be talking to their
kids
oftenly
Correct your spelling
often
.
This
may include explaining to them why they are supposed to behave in a particular manner or why a certain
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
is not acceptable in a community and
Correct article usage
the repercusions
show examples
repercusions
Correct your spelling
repercussions
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
not adhering to it.
For example
, young boys and girls who are brought up in the
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
orphanage are taught
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to be obedient and respectful to themselves and to other members of the community.
This
will help them to know what is expected of them.
Additionally
, the
grown ups
Add a hyphen
grown-ups
show examples
need to portray a good picture to the young people because they will emulate what they see them doing.
For instance
, a study done by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
Cambridge University effects of older
siblings
Change noun form
siblings'
sibling's
show examples
actions towards the
kids'
Change noun form
kids
show examples
in 2000, showed that they emulated what their elder
brother
Fix the agreement mistake
brothers
show examples
were doing.
This
explains why words and actions are supposed to go hand in hand for better characters to be moulded. In summary,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
am not of the opinion that
kids
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
parents for better
behaviour
. They only need positive communication and good role models to shape their
behaviour
for a better future.
Submitted by janenjeru6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear position but could benefit from a stronger emphasis on the main points to be discussed in the essay. For example, briefly mention the importance of communication and role modeling.
task achievement
When supporting your points, ensure that you provide specific and detailed examples. The current example about orphanages is good but lacks specifics on how exactly the children were taught to be obedient and respectful.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical structure of your arguments by using linking words and phrases. This will help your ideas flow more naturally from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
Include a brief conclusion that summarizes your main points and reinforces your stance. This helps in wrapping up your essay effectively.
task achievement
You've expressed your stance clearly and supported it with examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and a logical progression of ideas, which makes it easy to follow.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: