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Band 5

Advances in technology and automation have reduced the need for manual labour. Therefore working hours in offices and factories should be reduced. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#advances #technology #automation #labour #hours #offices #factories
As far as
technology
Correct article usage
the technology
show examples
 era has integrated
in
Change the preposition
into
with
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 production industries there are many controversial opinions in terms of comparing it with labor work and replacing humans
to
Change preposition
with
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 robots. I definitely support the statement that employees should be decreased limitedly by
businnes
Correct your spelling
business
 owners. In
this
essay
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essay,
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 I will consider it from my own perspective.
Although
,
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apply
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 there are disadvantages related to job position replacements, I stand on the other side of those groups of people. First of all, society has to understand the point that the main distinguisher of success is a
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
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 product. Every single businessman realises dependency
of
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on
show examples
 robots
,
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apply
show examples
 if they wish to produce the highest quality stuff
according to
 required standards. In my own example, when my manager decided to purchase a paint booth equipment to paint embedded items for concrete works, our company
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased
to
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apply
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speed up to 3 times
as well as
painting
Correct article usage
the painting
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 coat layer
has become
Wrong verb form
became
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 even greater because of
this
 innovative technology, so we had to reduce
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 number of paint workers from 100 to 50 with the same profit, quality and productivity.
On the other hand
, there are two essential aspects of automation
such
 as
a
Correct article usage
apply
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cost and risks. If a factory’s production capacity is the same without
certain
Add an article
a certain
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 amount of employees, why should an employer save the wage payments? The less you pay, the higher
chance
Correct article usage
the chance
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 to improve the manufacturing process through investments in other
ares
Correct your spelling
areas
 like education of robot operators, software, safety equipment,
uniform
Fix the agreement mistake
uniforms
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ect
Correct your spelling
etc
. The safety
first,
so many jobs
requests
Correct subject-verb agreement
request
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 particular machines to work on positions in some
hazard
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hazardous
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 waste factories, nuclear power plants and other dangerous fields.
To conclude
, I a hundred
percent
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per cent
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 agree that robots have to take over human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
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 in certain jobs, but I know it is not
popular
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a popular
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 opinion in society nowadays. At
first,
we should focus on progress, economic reason and safety and
then
 pay attention to
disadvantaged
Correct article usage
the disadvantaged
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 sides of it.
Submitted by saladinrostislav on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively, and you have provided relevant examples to support your points. However, there are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that can be improved for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which helps to structure your essay well. However, make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and connects smoothly to the next paragraph. Transitional phrases could be used more effectively.
task achievement
Your use of personal examples adds authenticity and relevance to your argument.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your essay nicely.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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