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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The diagram illustrates the regular physical activity
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
taken by male and female
age
Use synonyms
 groups in percentage in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, men
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
tend to have more physical activity than
women
Use synonyms
 at young ages,
however
Linking Words
, it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
dropped
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the middle and
women
Use synonyms
would
Verb problem
apply
show examples
take a slightly higher place when they are older. On one hand, male groups whose ages are from 15 to 24 provided a peak at 52,8% of people who were regularly into
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, the number decreases sharply to 42,2% in the
age
Use synonyms
 from 25 to 34, and a drop at approximately 3% to 39,5% in the middle
age
Use synonyms
 group, 35 to 44. At older stages of life, the percentage is likely to increase and
then
Linking Words
 stand at 46,7% to describe the 65 and older group.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the data
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
activity
Correct article usage
the activity
show examples
 of
women
Use synonyms
 shows a fluctuation between
age
Use synonyms
 groups
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
start
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 at 47,7% in the
age
Use synonyms
 of 15 to 24,
then
Linking Words
 slightly
rises
Wrong verb form
rising
show examples
 up to 48,9% and 52,5% at 25 to 34 and 35 to 44, and is levered off around 53% at 45 to 54 and 55 to 64.
In
Change the preposition
At
show examples
 the end of the graph, it
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
plummeted to 47,1% for the
women
Use synonyms
 at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 65 and over.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
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