IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that government is wasting money on arts and this money could better spend elsewhere to text and do you agree with this video?

#people #government #money #arts #text #video
It is argued by most of the individuals that investment in artwork is unfruitful. The government funds should be better used on other options like technology , and science, I disagree with
this
 notion because these artistic things exhibit the past legacy and cultural heritage of any nation. The main argument in support of my disagreement is that any type of
art
such
 as historic buildings, paintings, plays folk dance
and
Correct word choice
apply
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songs etc.
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 cultural heritage and past glory. In order to stay connected to the roots and preserve cultural patrimony, it is imperative to spend some
money
 on arts.
Moreover
,
art
 is a powerful source
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 social change.
For instance
, people can convey a good message
to
Change preposition
through
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 arts like plays on female foeticide have helped in the decrease of child killing.
Furthermore
,
art
 is a great source of entertainment when a person is feeling low, it helps to recover from negative emotions.
In addition
 to it,
art
 is a good source of revenue.
For example
,
Taj
Correct article usage
the Taj
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 Mahal is one of the seven wonders of the world.
Hence
, plenty of people come to visit
this
 site, which gives a boost to the local business and helps in
economic
Add an article
the economic
show examples
 growth of the country.
Therefore
, using
money
 on
art
 is not a waste of
money
instead
 it is an investment for which you pay a little and get lots of benefits In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 government should spend
money
 on
art
, as it is not a waste.It brings history and culture together
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
changes the way people think, and importantly
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
brings revenues to the country
Submitted by jalpreetjelly79 on

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task response
Enhance the introduction by clearly stating your position and briefly outlining the points you'll discuss in the body of the essay.
task response
Improve sentence structure and grammar accuracy. Focus on using more varied sentence forms and ensuring grammatical correctness.
task response
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by relevant examples. This will enhance the clarity and richness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Include clear and concise topic sentences to help improve the logical flow of your essay and to make your argumentation more prominent.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices and transition words to link ideas within and between paragraphs smoothly.
task response
You have included several relevant examples to support your points, such as the importance of the Taj Mahal and plays on female foeticide.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your argument, reinforcing your stance on the issue.
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