IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#aim #science #people #lives
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
One
 of the most important subjects which is related to
people
's satisfaction with life is
science
. When it comes to
science
, its profit in our lives should come to the surface to improve the quality of our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
perspectives on
this
 topic and
then
,I will explain why I strongly agree with
this
 aim of
science
. There are many reasons for
this
 agreement.
Firstly
, being prevented from some diseases is
one
 of the most important goals of medical
science
.
For example
,
HPV
Correct article usage
the HPV
show examples
 vaccine is an example of
this
 innovation's impact,fostering
immune
Correct article usage
the immune
show examples
 system to solve
one
 of the main concerns of women.
Moreover
,new technology has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
led to certain
diagnosis
Fix the agreement mistake
diagnoses
show examples
 of some diseases.Panoramic
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 in dentistry
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
one
 of those ,illustrating all
tooth-cavities
Correct your spelling
tooth cavities
show examples
.
Secondly
,
scientists
 are going to produce new knowledge to help the environmental issue. Today, environmentalists are looking for alternatives for those items leading to air pollution.
For instance
, about 6 to 7 years ago, mechanical
scientists
 in the Tesla factory innovated a technology for cars that takes electricity as a fuel
instead
 of fossil fuel. leading to increasing carbon emissions in the air which is
one
 of
its
Change the word
the
show examples
 negative stigmas of fossil
fuel
Fix the agreement mistake
fuels
show examples
 on the environment.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
tube
Fix the agreement mistake
tubes
show examples
 are
one
 of those less-polluting innovations which
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 the environment . From a negative aspect, some believe that
scientists
 should be focused on solving problems . Honestly, it is obvious that
people
 will benefit more than others from scientist's innovation .
For example
, they claim that knowledge must be spent on finding new sources of renewable energy.
While
 the
people
 are the biggest users of energy .
consequently
,
people
 will benefit from the profit of
this
 type of energy again. All in all, the approaches of all
scientists
 are providing benefits for both the environment and individuals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are connected to each other with a strong bond.
However
 ,there are many
science
Change to a plural noun
sciences
show examples
 in the world,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 most important aim of
that is
making
Change the verb form
to make
show examples
 better lives for
people
.
Furthermore
, many steps should be taken to create even greater impacts on our lives.
Submitted by ashkanasho on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure your main points are directly linked to the essay question without tangents.
task achievement
Proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors or awkward phrasing.
task achievement
Expand on examples to show their direct impact on improving lives.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and maintains focus on that topic.
task achievement
Shows a clear understanding of the task and addresses both perspectives.
task achievement
Essay contains relevant examples to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
Logical progression from introduction to conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and relevant to the essay question.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial role
  • technological advancements
  • medical discoveries
  • life-changing inventions
  • innovations
  • solutions to human problems
  • enhancing quality of life
  • improvement of healthcare
  • transportation
  • communication
  • agriculture
  • energy sectors
  • eradication of diseases
  • prolongation of life expectancy
  • global challenges
  • climate change
  • overpopulation
  • food security
  • developed world
  • underprivileged communities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: