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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graphs below compare the number of cosmetic procedures performed on males and females in Korea in 2004. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs below compare the number of cosmetic procedures performed on males and females in Korea in 2004. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar charts depict the comparison of cosmetic
procedures
Use synonyms
 conducted on men and
women
Use synonyms
 in Korea in 2004. Looking from an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it is readily apparent that plastic surgery enjoyed widespread popularity among
women
Use synonyms
. By far the most common form of cosmetic
procedures
Use synonyms
 for
this
Linking Words
 group, eyelid surgery and Rhinoplasty were performed ranging from 320,00 and 275,000 times respectively . the number of laser skin resurfacing
procedures
Use synonyms
 accounted for 210,000 which registered the third position in the rankings. Meanwhile, breast enlargement and liposuction were considerably less common at 120,000 and 140,000 operations Equally predictable is the fact that plastic surgery was far less popular among men.
In contrast
Linking Words
 to
women
Use synonyms
,hair transplantation was the most common cosmetic procedure.There were just 60,000 of these operations among Korean males.Numbering some 55,000
procedures
Use synonyms
 laser skin resurfacing was second for
this
Linking Words
 group.
Overall
Linking Words
,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 number of
procedures
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 is higher than the procedure
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 men in Korea.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words procedures, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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