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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that secondary school children should study international news as one of the school subjects. Other people think that it is a waste of valuable school time. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

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In
the
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recent years, there has been a bigger focus on global media
due to
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 international relations becoming increasingly important.
This
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 ongoing change has led to an open-to-debate call to include worldwide journalism in the teaching program. Personally, I consider the idea to be of high risk for the youngsters’ minds, as it can shape their future
way
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of thinking both politically and in international relations.
To begin
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 with, the classroom would be entirely subjected to the teacher’s political alignments and values. It is a common practice for the national government to give
the
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educators some guidelines and
summary
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a summary

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 of contents to ensure all
kids
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 in the country receive a similar education,
however
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, the
way
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of presenting a certain topic can severely affect the information being communicated.
For example
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, a right-winged news channel would only show the negative impacts of a
left inclined
Add a hyphen
left-inclined

It seems that left inclined is missing a hyphen. Consider adding the hyphen(s).

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president
Change noun form
president's

It seems that this noun form may be incorrect.

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 decisions.
Therefore
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, there is an extremely strong possibility that the
kids
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 could be influenced by and adopt the opinions
showed
Change the form of the verb
shown

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb showed. Consider changing it.

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 in the broadcast.
Secondly
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, the frequency of the countries being the subject of the headlines could turn
schooler’s
Correct article usage
the schooler’s

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 attention to certain of them above others. The level of exposure of some nominated nations can lead the
kids
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 to believe those are important territories to look up to, which in extreme cases could even lead to the youngsters overlooking their own country.
For example
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, if the news channel used during the class is centred in the United States and connects important political,
economical
Replace the word
economic

The word economical doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 and social events in the schooler’s country of origin they could think that the United States is more important than their own nation. All in all, influence and power are two of the qualities humans usually hold in high regard, including little
kids
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
To sum up
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, journalism is greatly
dependant
Replace the word
dependent

The word dependant doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 on the eye of the observer and their
way
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of transmitting the information, and because of that it can never result in unbiased information, becoming a risk for the
way
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of thinking of the people that will shape the future.

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on how international news can practically be integrated into the existing curriculum and provide examples of its advantages. This will make your essay more balanced.
task achievement
Work on providing a more detailed counter-argument to make your discussion well-rounded. For instance, discuss the benefits of studying international news, such as developing critical thinking or a global perspective.
coherence cohesion
There is a need for a more seamless flow between ideas. Connecting phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "However," can help improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistent use of sophisticated language and varied sentence structures. This can make your writing more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of proficiency.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion and clearly states your position.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphs and a logical progression of ideas.
task achievement
Good use of relevant examples to support your points, which adds depth to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points, reinforcing your overall argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • global perspectives
  • cultural understanding
  • interconnected world
  • critical thinking skills
  • discern biases
  • global citizenship
  • curriculum
  • academic development
  • sensitive content
  • news cycles
  • structured curriculum
  • positive developments
  • fostering hope
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