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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that in today's world subjects like Science and technology are more important than History. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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As
Change preposition
With
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 the technological advancements today, choosing curriculum subjects for
students
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 is very crucial for the
generation
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generation's
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developments
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development
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.
While
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 some value the importance of
history
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 courses, others prioritized courses
such
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 as
science
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 and technology as the most important key. In my opinion, owing to
Use synonyms
students
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students'
student's
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interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
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 and
ability
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abilities
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,
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Add an article
the school
a school
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school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
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 should enable choices for their pupils to be able to select which subject they want to pursue. Researching about the past is the form of appreciating the past. The development of current society nowadays
come
Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
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 from the efforts
from
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of
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people
Use synonyms
 in the past. Some career
path
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paths
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such
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 as
Archeolog
Correct your spelling
Archaeology
 and Historian are still intriguing for some
learner
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learners
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. Removing
history
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 from the curriculum not only
kill
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kills
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 the vision of
students
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 with that interest, it
also
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foster
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fosters
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 the extinction of the knowledge of the past.
Thus
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,
history
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 should not be removed from the academic curriculums.
On the other hand
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,
Science
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 and Technology courses are more practical for
society
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society's
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developments
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development
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. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Use synonyms
people
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people's
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 needs keep increasing, progression and innovation
constantly
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are constantly
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 demanded. Pushing the agendas
on
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of
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 teaching
students
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 more towards
science
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 and technology is understandable.
However
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,
people
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 should be reminded that learning about
history
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 is
also
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neccessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for progression. By looking at the past,
people
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 can
study
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 their ancestor
mistake
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mistakes
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 and
generating
Wrong verb form
generate
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 scenarios of probability during
decision
Add an article
the decision
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 process. Understanding
about
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apply
show examples
Use synonyms
students
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students'
student's
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interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
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 and skills should be the priority
to resolve
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in resolving
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 the debate. The enthusiasm about learning the past should still be encouraged. Admittedly, learning too much about
history
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that is
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 not
align
Wrong verb form
aligned
show examples
 with student interests can be exhausting. For
student
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students
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 that prefer more practical knowledge, minimizing the amount of
history
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 that
need
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needs
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 to be learned can be one of the
way
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ways
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 for the academic institution to reduce the burden.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, high
school
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study
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 is divided into two categories, social
study
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 and
science
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. For
science
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students
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, learning
history
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 is limited to local
history
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 only so
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 can be more focused on the
science
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study
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. To summarize, removing the entire
history
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 subject from the
school
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 should not be encouraged
due to
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 past appreciation and future development. The
school
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 institution should collaborate with parents to be able to understand their
Use synonyms
students
Change to a genitive case
student's
students'
show examples
 passion and adjust the curriculum based on it.

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coherence cohesion
Revise the introduction to make it clearer and concise. Remove any unnecessary words and ensure that the introduction sets a strong base for what is to come.
task achievement
Work on providing more detailed examples and supporting arguments for each point. Make sure each main idea is fully developed to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Revise your grammar and vocabulary to enhance clarity and readability. Focus on correcting small errors and improving sentence structures.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a thoughtful discussion of both viewpoints and offers a balanced opinion.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is clear with a logical flow from introduction to conclusion.
task achievement
The use of a real-life example (Indonesia's educational system) to illustrate a point adds relevance and specificity to the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • comprehend
  • retrospect
  • gain insights
  • reflect on
  • sharpen
  • evaluate
  • significance
  • heritage
  • legacy
  • advent
  • breakthroughs
  • sustain
  • sustainability
  • revolutions
  • empowered
  • overcome
  • transform
  • advancements
  • collaboration
  • cooperation
  • diversity
  • fulfilling
  • promote
  • facilitate
  • prosperity
  • enhance
  • foster
  • foundation
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