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Band 4.5

These days many families move to other countries for work. Some people believe that children in these families benefit from this move. However, others believe that it makes life more difficult for the children. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#families #move #countries #work #people #children #benefit #life
Nowadays, Moving to other countries for their business is
wide spread
Correct your spelling
widespread
show examples
 among families. Some individuals consider it as a beneficial strategy for
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
while
 others it makes
harsher
Correct word choice
apply
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the
children
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. I believe that
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
Disadvandages
Correct your spelling
Disadvantages
 outweigh
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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. On the one hand, It is common to change
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
due to
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
show examples
 working circumstances.
That is
 essential to elevate
family's
Correct article usage
a family's
show examples
 income in some cases.
Moreover
,
In
Change preposition
From
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 the
children
's perspective, They may gain experiences by introducing to other cultures;
Therefore
, It fosters them to open their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 and
bolster to
Verb problem
apply
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embrace other cultures and languages.
For instance
, When I was at elementary school my parents decided to move to another country. I think it
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 tremendous outcomes for
thriving
Verb problem
apply
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my personal improvement,
such
 as learning
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
 language and making new friends.
On the other hand
,
besides
robust
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the robust
show examples
 and
favorable
Change the spelling
favourable
show examples
 results of
this
initiative
Add a comma
initiative,
show examples
 there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 some devastating impacts
Change preposition
on that
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
children
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
. It is obvious that
this
 paramount decision will be exhaustive for
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 and
needed
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
 high responsibility.
Children
 are very sensitive
in
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to
show examples
 both mental and physical health
matter
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matters
show examples
, so Is would be better to combat with unrestness by attesting
the
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to the
show examples
 health condition of
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
which
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in which
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 they move. In mental health
matter
Fix the agreement mistake
matters
show examples
,
For example
,
Children
 may
straggle
Correct your spelling
struggle
show examples
 to make friends and may bullied
due to
 their obstacles in language.
And it
Correct word choice
It
show examples
 is crucial to
remind
Verb problem
remember
show examples
 other difficulties,
such
 as lack of time
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 adapt
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the school environment
due to
 studying in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 different education system. In conclusion,
Although
 there are some advantages and conveniences, moving to
other country
Change the wording
another country
other countries
show examples
pivotal
Add a missing verb
is pivotal
show examples
 case and
needed
Wrong verb form
needing
show examples
 to engage meticulously because the drawback of
this
 attempt may
precarious
Add a missing verb
be precarious
show examples
 for
children
's psychology
such
 as awkwardness
to make
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in making
show examples
Add an article
a friend
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friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
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 that may
results
Wrong verb form
result
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 loss in
social
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of social
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 connection.
Submitted by Yasar Khan on

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sentence structure
Work on sentence structure and grammar accuracy to improve clarity.
develop ideas
Develop ideas more thoroughly in body paragraphs to enhance task response.
linkers coherence
Use connectors and linking words to improve coherence and cohesion.
task response
The essay addresses both views of the topic and provides a personal opinion.
example
The personal anecdote adds a specific example to support the argument.
structure
Introduction and conclusion are present and provide a framework for the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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