IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
#graphs #show #survey #children #activities #first #leisure #boys #second #girls
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
the
two
 pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the outcome of a survey of
boys
 and girls
activities
.
Overall
, the
two
 sexes
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
enjoyed
listening
Add the preposition
listening to
show examples
 the music
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the same level.
However
,
dramatically
Correct article usage
a dramatically
show examples
 larger number of girls like reading. And show the many differences
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 sport preferring. Turning to the first chart, there given the information that the
boys
 almost prefer computer games
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
activities
. Playing basketball
coming to
Verb problem
is
show examples
 the second most popular leisure, played by almost
third
Correct article usage
a third
show examples
 of
boys
.after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
basketball followed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
soccer leisure
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
played by 17%. there
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 3 different types of
activities
 that
placed
Add a missing verb
are placed
show examples
 in the
less
Fix the agreement mistake
lower
show examples
 grades they are skateboarding 11%, listening to music 10% and reading 3%. In the second pie chart given the
two
 highest scores
except
Add the preposition
except for
show examples
 the other mentioned
activities
. they are dancing and reading. Dancing receive
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 third of
a girls
Correct the article-noun agreement
girls
a girl
show examples
,
also
 reading is a little bit less
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a 21%.
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
,
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of female children who play
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computer games is roughly less than that of
boys
 16%. And the remaining
two
activities
 with the lowest percentage are listening to music and netball.
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words two, boys, activities with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • gender difference
  • similar participation rates
  • traditional gender roles
  • trends
  • impact
  • parental influence
  • extracurricular activities
  • accessible
What to do next:
Look at other essays: