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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
#graphs #show #survey #children #activities #first #leisure #boys #second #girls
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the
two
Use synonyms
 pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the outcome of a survey of
boys
Use synonyms
 and girls
activities
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
two
Use synonyms
 sexes
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
enjoyed
listening
Add the preposition
listening to
show examples
 the music
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the same level.
However
Linking Words
,
dramatically
Correct article usage
a dramatically
show examples
 larger number of girls like reading. And show the many differences
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 sport preferring. Turning to the first chart, there given the information that the
boys
Use synonyms
 almost prefer computer games
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
activities
Use synonyms
. Playing basketball
coming to
Verb problem
is
show examples
 the second most popular leisure, played by almost
third
Correct article usage
a third
show examples
 of
boys
Use synonyms
.after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
basketball followed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
soccer leisure
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
played by 17%. there
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 3 different types of
activities
Use synonyms
 that
placed
Add a missing verb
are placed
show examples
 in the
less
Fix the agreement mistake
lower
show examples
 grades they are skateboarding 11%, listening to music 10% and reading 3%. In the second pie chart given the
two
Use synonyms
 highest scores
except
Add the preposition
except for
show examples
 the other mentioned
activities
Use synonyms
. they are dancing and reading. Dancing receive
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 third of
a girls
Correct the article-noun agreement
girls
a girl
show examples
,
also
Linking Words
 reading is a little bit less
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a 21%.
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
,
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of female children who play
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computer games is roughly less than that of
boys
Use synonyms
 16%. And the remaining
two
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
 with the lowest percentage are listening to music and netball.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words two, boys, activities with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • gender difference
  • similar participation rates
  • traditional gender roles
  • trends
  • impact
  • parental influence
  • extracurricular activities
  • accessible
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