IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Leaders and directors in an organization are frequently older people, Some People think young leaders would be better. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#leaders #directors #organization #people
It is true that senior management in
companies
 is filled with older
people
.
While
 many
people
 argue that they should be replaced by young
people
, I am of the opposite view that
company
 leadership must consist of mature
people
 who will bring effectiveness and efficiency to the organization. Mature leadership brings a myriad of attributes for a successful
company
.
To begin
 with, they bring
wealth
Add an article
a wealth
show examples
 of experience to the table.
For instance
, most of the CEOs of
companies
 are the ones who started the
company
 in the first place
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and worked their way up to understand how the business model work.
Secondly
, taking risks is a part of becoming a leader,
whereas
 research has shown that the majority of young leaders will have second thoughts in taking
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
 over rewards. As an example, it was Steve
job's
Fix the agreement mistake
Jobs's
show examples
 decision to disrupt the mobile phone market with high quality, and high price product which paid off to be a
sucessful
Correct your spelling
successful
 venture.
On the contrary
, one would argue that young blood will bring modern thinking to a
company
.
Firstly
, the cognitive capability itself will not pave the way when it comes to making critical decisions in a tough environment.
Moreover
, it is believed that 90 per cent of young leaders lack the ability to negotiate and have empathy towards their subordinates which is alarming.
This
 will not only create
in
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apply
show examples
balance in teams
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
 create a negative culture which will destroy the business eventually. In conclusion, though young leaders are the future of
companies
, it is my view that they should be groomed properly and go through intensive training for years before taking up management roles in
companies
.
Submitted by madonnasama on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that there is a clear progression of ideas within each paragraph. Currently, the essay could benefit from better internal cohesion, especially in explaining how specific examples directly support the main points.
task achievement
Proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors and typos (e.g., ‘how the business model work’ should be ‘how the business model works’, ‘sucessful’ should be ‘successful’).
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction that sets up the topic and thesis statement effectively.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments and offers a forward-looking statement.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples to support the main points, such as the mention of Steve Jobs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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