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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four counthies in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four counthies in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
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The two bar charts illustrate the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of elderly people
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 both genders aged 60-64 years old who were still being employed in Belgium, the USA, Japan and Australia for thirty years from 1970 to 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the Japanese
elders
Use synonyms
 dominated the percentage over the
period
Use synonyms
 compared to the remaining countries,
while
Linking Words
 the number of male working
elders
Use synonyms
 tend to
decrease
Use synonyms
 in all regions.
According to
Linking Words
 the data, the Japanese men and women were the highest
proportion
Use synonyms
 in terms of working
elders
Use synonyms
 in both 1970 and 2000,
although
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 the rate
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased. For
males
Add a comma
males,
show examples
 there were 85% in 1970 and declined to 74%
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
thirty years later. The females,
however
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, were at 43% in 1970 and experienced a slight
decrease
Use synonyms
 to 40%
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
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. Meanwhile, in Belgium, there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 a dramatic
decrease
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
 of working old males, from 79% in 1970 to 19% in 2000.
For the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 women,
conversely
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, experienced just
1
Correct article usage
a 1
show examples
%
decrease
Use synonyms
 over the thirty-year
period
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.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the percentage of working
elders
Use synonyms
 in the USA and Australia showed a similar pattern. The
proportion
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 of male working
elders
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 decreased by respectively around 20% and 30%,
while
Linking Words
 the females increased by around 3% and 2% throughout the
period
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, elders, period, decrease with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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