IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some places, workers are required to retire at a specific age. In other places, workers can retire when they choose. In your opinion, should there be a mandatory retirement age for all workers?

#places #workers #age #retirement
At a specific old
age
, workers are demanded to stop working in some places
while
 they can choose when to stop working in others. in my opinion, it’s unfair to make someone retire because he reached a specific
age
. They may need to keep earning money and they can improve the working places by their experiences. Some
people
 need to keep earning a good salary even after they reach The
retiring
Replace the word
retirement
show examples
age
 Because they don’t have enough savings
of
Correct your spelling
or
show examples
 money or they need to spend on their families,
for example
, if an old man has a boy in university, he should provide for university expenses.
Also
, they may be in need of money for medical expenses. The majority of old
people
 have experience which could help in improving the workplace because these
community
Change the determiner
communities
show examples
 have worked for long periods so they learned from their previous mistakes , that’s why we can make use of their abilities to develop our society and avoid a lot of mistakes. Some
people
 can’t live without working because they used to wake up at a specific time to go to work, so their work specifies their routine ,
thus
 they can’t organize their day.
Furthermore
, they feel like they don’t have a purpose in life without working so having a job kills these feelings. A number of
people
 are required to retire when others are not, in my point of view , there is no specific
age
 to stop working. It’s better for a person to complete work to benefit from his experience and to protect him from bad feelings.
Submitted by s.nafa2209 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that your ideas flow logically from one paragraph to the next. Use more linking words and phrases to connect your points clearly.
task achievement
Your main points are clear, but try to provide relevant and specific examples to support your ideas. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
It's essential to have a strong conclusion that summarizes your main arguments and provides a closing thought. Make sure your introduction and conclusion are well-connected.
task response
You have successfully presented a clear stance on the issue of mandatory retirement age and supported it with several reasons.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is organized into paragraphs, each presenting a distinct point, which shows a good attempt at structuring your argument.
task achievement
The language used is clear and easy to understand, which makes your ideas accessible to the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • mandatory retirement age
  • progression
  • age discrimination
  • standardizing
  • workforce diversity
  • invaluable knowledge
  • expertise
  • motivated workforce
  • healthcare improvements
  • lifespans
  • physical demands
  • mental demands
  • justify
What to do next:
Look at other essays: