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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of male and female students of different age groups who studied in Australia for full- time and part- time education in 2006.

The charts below show the percentage of male and female students of different age groups who studied in Australia for full- time and part- time education in 2006.
#show #percentage #students #age #groups #australia #full- #time #part- #education
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The charts below give detailed information about
percentage
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the percentage
show examples
 of male and female
students
 of various age groups in Australia who were enrolled in
full-
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full-time
show examples
time
 and
part-
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part-time
show examples
time
education
 in 2006.
Overall
,
it is clear that
 have
significant
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a significant
show examples
 difference between the male and female
students
 who
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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studied
part-
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part-time
show examples
time
 and
full-
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full-time
show examples
time
education
 aged 20-24 and
similar
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a similar
show examples
 percentage of
man
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male
show examples
 and woman
students
 aged 25-29 for both of them. Focusing on female and male
students
 studied at 12% and 17% in
part-
Correct your spelling
part-time
show examples
time
education
 in the 15-19 age group respectively.Meanwhile,8% of male
students
 and 7% of female
students
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
were enrolled in
full-
time
education
.It is worth mentioning that have massive
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
 between male and female
students
 and they
have took
Wrong verb form
take
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 place in
part-
Correct your spelling
part-time
show examples
time
education
respective
Change the word
respectively
show examples
 at 40% and 42% aged 20-24 groups.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
12% of male and 13% of female
students
 were in
full-
Correct your spelling
full-time
show examples
time
education
 in
this
 group.
However
,
students
 aged 30 and over
the
Add a missing verb
had the
show examples
 less percentage for
part-
Correct your spelling
part-time
show examples
time
education
 with 8% of men and 6% of women,
while
 males and females joined in
full-
Correct your spelling
full-time
show examples
time
education
 at 10% and 12% respectively. It is worth mentioning that
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 and
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
students
,the former and
later
Correct your spelling
latter
show examples
 have similar
percent
Replace the word
percentages
show examples
 for both types of
education
 the same 8% for female
students
,
although
 a little difference for males at 8% and 6% in the 25- 29 age group.
Submitted by Shaxnoza on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 81%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, full-, time, part-, education with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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