Some think the best way to reduce the time people spend in travelling to work is to replace the parks and gardens close to the city centres with apartment buildings where commuters can live, while other disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#think #time #people #work #parks #gardens #city #centres #apartment #buildings #commuters

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The public argues that the best way to reduce

time

Add an article

the time

a time

show examples

for

Change preposition

apply

show examples

commuters spend

Change preposition

apply

show examples

travelling to work is to replace the parks and gardens close to the

city

with apartment buildings where they can live,

while

others disagree. I believe that the community who live in the

city

also

needs recreational space, and the government can open a new landmark for living residents which is connected by

mass

transportation

. The

city

population has slightly increased. More

people

move to the

city

to find jobs. Contrasly, the number of buildings that developed to accommodate it is not enough.

Moreover

, some citizens think that replacing the parks and gardens with buildings is not wise.

However

people

still need recreational space to reduce stress. There are some solutions to solve it problems.

Firstly

, the government might open new areas for living.

For instance

, Jakarta

Verb problem

apply

show examples

Indonesia's capital

city

where supported by 7 cities around, so that they can live in the

suburbs

Furthermore

, the government can add more free

mass

transportation

to connect the

suburbs

and the capital

city

. Connected free

mass

transportation

will increase

people

to live in the

suburbs

, rather than live in the capital

city

In addition

, free

mass

transportation

must cover and connect all areas.

As a result

, the community will be choosing to live in the

suburbs

rather than in the

city

. In conclusion,

people

might be happy to work in the

city

with its recreational space. Alternatively, they can live in the

suburbs

where supported by connected with free

mass

transportation

Submitted by muh.atho on Sun Jul 07 2024

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coherence and cohesion

Work on enhancing the logical structure of your essay. The organization is there, but it could be made clearer. Consider using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your points more fluidly.

task achievement

Develop your main points with more specific examples and thorough explanation. The overall idea is there, but supporting it with specific details would strengthen your argument considerably.

coherence and cohesion

The conclusion could summarize the main points in a more concise and impactful manner. Reiterating the key arguments briefly and clearly would leave a stronger impression.

coherence and cohesion

You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion which gives the essay a cohesive structure.

task achievement

Your idea of using connected mass transportation to solve the problem is interesting and relevant.

task achievement

You have acknowledged both views in your discussion, which is essential for a balanced argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

9
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
5
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5

6.5

Logical structure

6.5

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

6.5

Complete response

6.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

254 words

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Some think the best way to reduce the time people spend in travelling to work is to replace the parks and gardens close to the city centres with apartment buildings where commuters can live, while other disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

It is important for people to take risks, in both their professional lives and personal lives. Do the advantages of taking these risks outweigh the disadvantages?

Some people think they have the right to use as much water as they want. Others, however, believe that the government should control the use of fresh water as it is a limited resource. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Big-salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree? Provide relevant examples if necessary