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Band 5.5

Some think the best way to reduce the time people spend in travelling to work is to replace the parks and gardens close to the city centres with apartment buildings where commuters can live, while other disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#think #time #people #work #parks #gardens #city #centres #apartment #buildings #commuters
The public argues that the best way to reduce
time
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the time
a time
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for
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commuters spend
in
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travelling to work is to replace the parks and gardens close to the
city
 with apartment buildings where they can live,
while
 others disagree. I believe that the community who live in the
city
also
 needs recreational space, and the government can open a new landmark for living residents which is connected by
mass
transportation
. The
city
 population has slightly increased. More
people
 move to the
city
 to find jobs. Contrasly, the number of buildings that developed to accommodate it is not enough.
Moreover
, some citizens think that replacing the parks and gardens with buildings is not wise.
However
,
people
 still need recreational space to reduce stress. There are some solutions to solve it problems.
Firstly
, the government might open new areas for living.
For instance
, Jakarta
is
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Indonesia's capital
city
 where supported by 7 cities around, so that they can live in the
suburbs
.
Furthermore
, the government can add more free
mass
transportation
 to connect the
suburbs
 and the capital
city
. Connected free
mass
transportation
 will increase
people
 to live in the
suburbs
, rather than live in the capital
city
.
In addition
, free
mass
transportation
 must cover and connect all areas.
As a result
, the community will be choosing to live in the
suburbs
 rather than in the
city
. In conclusion,
people
 might be happy to work in the
city
 with its recreational space. Alternatively, they can live in the
suburbs
 where supported by connected with free
mass
transportation
Submitted by muh.atho on

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coherence and cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical structure of your essay. The organization is there, but it could be made clearer. Consider using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your points more fluidly.
task achievement
Develop your main points with more specific examples and thorough explanation. The overall idea is there, but supporting it with specific details would strengthen your argument considerably.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion could summarize the main points in a more concise and impactful manner. Reiterating the key arguments briefly and clearly would leave a stronger impression.
coherence and cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion which gives the essay a cohesive structure.
task achievement
Your idea of using connected mass transportation to solve the problem is interesting and relevant.
task achievement
You have acknowledged both views in your discussion, which is essential for a balanced argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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