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Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (eg. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that a certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should be benefit from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #eg #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #type #benefit
I do agree with the statement that a certain
workers
Change the noun form
worker
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 deserves to retire and receive pension. 65 years old
now a days
Correct the word
nowadays
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 is too long to wait,in our era,
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyles
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, different
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
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 of living and eating
affects
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
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 our health, which means life
now a days are
Correct your spelling
nowadays is
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 short compared
from
Change preposition
to
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 the past. Working at the age of 60
above
Correct word choice
or above
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 is
also
 risky to some, I believe workers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are in
military
Add an article
the military
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, police,
navy's
Change noun form
navy
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 and
fireman
Fix the agreement mistake
firemen
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 should benefit from early retirement. In their young age of
duty
Add a comma
duty,
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 they spent all their energy as
this
 is their main
tools
Fix the agreement mistake
tool
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 to protect and serve our country. Reaching 50 above age
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them physically weaker and
make
Verb problem
puts
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 them at risk in the line of their duty. I
therefore
 conclude that they are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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 who should benefit from early retirement, they
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 most of their time studying, training and working,
at
Correct word choice
and at
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 45
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
least
, retirement is acceptable for them to enjoy their remaining life with family.
Submitted by w.tedler on

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task achievement
The essay would benefit from a clearer thesis statement. Clearly state your position at the beginning so the reader knows what to expect. For instance, 'I agree with the statement that certain workers deserve early retirement and pensions because certain occupations are more physically demanding and hazardous.'
coherence cohesion
Introduce and conclude your essay more effectively. Start with an engaging introduction explaining the topic, and end with a conclusion summarizing your main points while restating your stance.
task achievement
Support your points with more specific examples and statistical data if available. This will make your arguments more convincing and substantial.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and grammar. Your essay contains a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, 'now a days' should be 'nowadays,' and 'life now a days are short compared from the past' should be 'life nowadays is shorter compared to the past.'
task achievement
You have identified specific occupations that should be eligible for early retirement. This adds relevance and strengthens your argument.
task achievement
Your intention to argue for early retirement based on the physical demands and risks associated with certain jobs is clear.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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