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Writing Samples /
Band 1.5

In some countries, it is illegal for employers to reject someone applying for a job because of his or her age. Do you think it is a negative or positive development?

#countries #employers #someone #job #age #development
In other
countries
Add a comma
countries,
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 they argued regarding age limits for employers that
applies
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
 for
work
. I do believe that it is a positive way of screening employees and it helps
company
Add an article
the company
a company
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 to maintain
work
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
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for example
 the occupation they apply for is more on physical activities like restaurants or
hardwares
Correct your spelling
hardware
, it is not applicable for more than 50 years old and above, as they can not perform their 100
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 at
work
. Unlike nurses or teachers they can still
work
 mentally as there
is
Change the verb form
are
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 no physical activities that much, they usually stand
at
Change preposition
apply
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most of the time and lecture their students and
patient's
Change the noun form
patients
patient
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. I
therefore
 conclude that it is right to limit
age
Correct article usage
the age
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on
Change preposition
of
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 hiring
employee's
Change noun form
employees
show examples
depends
Wrong verb form
depending
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 on
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 occupation applying for.
Submitted by w.tedler on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score in task response, ensure that your essay fully addresses all aspects of the question. Expand your ideas with clear and detailed explanations, and provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Enhancing coherence and cohesion can be achieved by improving the organization of your essay. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments logically.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical flow to the arguments presented, connecting the type of job to the suitability of older employees.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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