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Band 4.5

Some children spend most of their free time taking part in clubs and other planned activities. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#children #time #part #clubs #activities #outweigh
In today's world, so many
classes
 are available for
children
 and
kids
 in order to spend time and learn something. The most important and crucial part of these activities is their content and what is
tought
Correct your spelling
taught
thought
 in
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of clubs .So they may have some benefits, but can still damage
children
 in some ways. In
this
 essay , I will consider both views and give my opinion.
Children
 love to play, and they learn so many new lessons by playing games especially those that are involved with interaction with other
kids
.
when
Capitalize word
When
show examples
 parents decide to take their loved ones to attend
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
several
classes
 in order to fill their free time ,
children
 will get tired soon and their energy reduces .
Consequently
,
kids
 miss the opportunity to play and learn
alongside
Change preposition
while
show examples
 being entertained.
Moreover
, when they become adults, they may feel something is missing in their soul and
that is
 the lack from their childhood. No matter how
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
 they get
then
, that feeling will not go away easily. As we can see these days in our surrounding ones who have many regrets about their past and they just want their
children
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not end up like them.
On the other hand
, young people gain knowledge and experience by taking part in some
classes
.
For instance
 , there are some special
classes
 for
children
 which help them find their talent and passion. So, parents will help their
children
 better in their future life and
approaching
Wrong verb form
approach
show examples
 their dreams .
Therefore
,
kids
 will be prepared for their future and will be less
confuse
Change the form of the verb
confused
show examples
 about their will.
For example
, they will not have to
chose
Change the verb
choose
show examples
 different things and carriers to see which one they are good at as they already have found it.
To sum up
, pre-planned activities and
classes
 can damage the childhood of
kids
 if they are too much and exhausting .And if not so, those clubs would be very useful for them and their future.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will help to improve the overall coherence of your essay. For example, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
task achievement
Make sure to fully develop and clearly explain each of your points. Use more specific examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure the essay.
task achievement
You addressed both views as required by the task and provided your opinion, which shows a complete response to the prompt.

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