In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Several nations across the globe are experiencing a growth in
population
of individuals choosing to leave their hometown in the village to live in Add an article
the population
cities
. The population in rural regions is therefore
shrinking. I believe that this
kind of situation is a sign of negative development, since it might cause the rise of unemployment
Correct article usage
the unemployment
rate
in cities
and a decrease in workers on
villages simultaneously.
One of the most significant drawbacks of Change preposition
in
such
phenomenon
is the increasing Correct article usage
a phenomenon
rate
of unemployment in cities
. People
who used to live in the countryside believed that there were lots of better job opportunities in cities
, especially in the capital city. However
, many of them are not supported by sufficient educational background, which makes them not qualified for working
in the Replace the word
work
cities
. To illustrate, many urban in Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia, ended up being unemployed after months trying
to look for a suitable job and were forced to go back to their hometown by the government.
Change preposition
of trying
In addition
, the rising numbers of people
left
Wrong verb form
leaving
the
rural areas will Correct article usage
apply
make
a deficit in Verb problem
create
workforce
in Add an article
the workforce
such
particular region
. Fix the agreement mistake
regions
This
is due to
the lack of young people
, especially those are
in productive ages. Correct pronoun usage
who are
While in
the Correct word choice
In
longer
term, the elders in the village could no longer able to work. Correct word choice
long
Therefore
, communities within countryside areas could not develop their own hometown which might lead to a growth in poverty rate
. For instance
, there are several villages in
Sulawesi Island in Indonesia experiencing Change preposition
on
shortage
of rice Add an article
a shortage
due to
lack
of farmers, since more than half of the population are Correct article usage
a lack
people
above 50 years old and no young people
able
to help them do the farming.
In conclusion, the rising proportion of urban is a sign of negative development for the country. Add a missing verb
are able
Such
kind of trend will increase rate
of unemployment in Add an article
the rate
cities
, on the other hand
, there is a declining number of workforce in rural areas.Submitted by michellyonggo on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on the idea of rural workforce shortage to provide a clearer picture of its impacts.
coherence cohesion
Work on varied sentence structures to improve the readability of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, contributing to a well-rounded argument.
task achievement
The arguments are generally well-supported by examples, helping to illustrate your points.