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Band 5

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour. Do you agree or disagree?

#amount #violence #television #impact #children #behaviour
Media is the soft power for any nation nowadays.
However
, it is a weapon with two sides. It is agreed that violence on television has within it
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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bad effects on children's behaviour. Analysing the rapid increase
of
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in
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 crime levels,
as well as
 the change
of
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in
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 the image of the offenders will prove
this
.
Firstly
, the
violence
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violent
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 scenes on television lead to
the
Correct article usage
a
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 surge
of
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in
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number
Change the article
a number
the number
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 of crimes in modern cities.
For instance
, it is notable globally the growth of young girls'
kill
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killings
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 and
abduction
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abductions
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 after releasing "split"
film
Fix the agreement mistake
films
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 in the theatres. Sadly, teenagers tend to imitate what they see
on
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in
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 media just for fun.
Therefore
,
this
 makes it clear that violent content
in
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on
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 TV affects negatively
on
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apply
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youngsters' behaviour.
Secondly
, the image of offenders has changed over the years and they are valued as
a heroes
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heroes
a hero
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 sometimes.
For example
, the
series
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serial
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 killer in "
joker
Capitalize word
Joker
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" film had the empathy of all viewers and his crimes were simply justified.
This
 kind of
the
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apply
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web of misleading thoughts
boost
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boosts
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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criminal thinking among youth.
Thus
 it becomes apparent that aggressive scenes
has
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have
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bad
Add an article
a bad
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 impact on
children'
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children's
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 conduct. To summarise, the aggressive visual content
cause
Replace the word
causes
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 a rise
of
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in
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crime'
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crime
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 levels and
transformation
Correct article usage
a transformation
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 of
classification
Correct article usage
the classification
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 of the offender.
Subsequently
,
it is clear that
 the idea of violent scenes
have
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has
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severe
Add an article
a severe
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 influence on youth' conduct. After
thorough
Correct article usage
a thorough
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 analysis
on
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of
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this
 subject, it is predicted that coordination should be taken place between
pedagology
Correct your spelling
pedagogy
 experts and authorities to tighten the control
the
Change preposition
of the
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 visual content which targets children.
Submitted by tuma729 on

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coherence cohesion
Consider avoiding repetition and using varied language to make your essay more engaging.
task achievement
It would be helpful to provide more in-depth analysis and further develop your supporting points.
task achievement
Polish your conclusion to ensure it not only summarizes but also provides a clear and strong ending.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction sets a clear position on the issue, helping the reader understand your stance from the start.
supported main points
You provide relevant examples that support your main points, making your arguments more concrete.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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