It is believed that people are suffering from loads of health problems because of consuming too much fast food. Some people hold a thought that education should take responsibility for this phenomenon while others contradict with this opinion Discuss both of them and give your own point of view
It is true that, these days people suffer many
hearth
problems Correct your spelling
heart
due to
fast Linking Words
Use synonyms
foods
. Some Fix the agreement mistake
food
community
say that Fix the agreement mistake
communities
this
is an Linking Words
education
liability Use synonyms
while
others believe Linking Words
this
is not an Linking Words
education
burden. Use synonyms
This
essay will discuss ll both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the former opinion for the following reasons.
On the one hand, eating Linking Words
junk
Use synonyms
foods
frequently can create many diseases, and Use synonyms
education
sectors should take Use synonyms
the
responsibility to diminish Correct article usage
apply
this
adverse phenomenon. Schools should teach Linking Words
the
healthy Correct article usage
apply
foods
to their students and the administration Use synonyms
staffs
to be Fix the agreement mistake
staff
check
Wrong verb form
checked
coupled with
Linking Words
Correct article usage
a moniter
moniter
to student's lunch Correct your spelling
monitor
box
whether they eat healthy Fix the agreement mistake
boxes
foods
or not, and Use synonyms
as a result
, they force to their parents cook healthy Linking Words
meals
at home. Use synonyms
For example
, Linking Words
education
changes Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
apply
learner's
food Change noun form
learners'
habit
from fast foodstuff to healthy, not only Fix the agreement mistake
habits
they
eat healthy Add a missing verb
do they
meals
but Use synonyms
also
they have to change Linking Words
this
society by ignoring Linking Words
junk
Use synonyms
foods
. Use synonyms
Then
, Linking Words
education
plays a key role Use synonyms
of
reducing the level of fast Change preposition
in
Use synonyms
foods
consumption.
Change the noun form
food
In contrast
, Linking Words
this
is not Linking Words
a
educational burden because Change the article
an
its
purely Correct your spelling
it's
individual's
choice Correct article usage
an individual's
what
they eat or not. Change preposition
of what
education
leads to the correct path Use synonyms
to
learners, Change preposition
for
besides
whether eat or not is Linking Words
for
their personal decisions Change preposition
apply
coupled with
preferences. Linking Words
This
means many affluent society persons eat more Linking Words
junk
Use synonyms
meals
because Use synonyms
of
they have neither interest Change preposition
apply
of
cooking at home nor time, so Change preposition
in
this
is Linking Words
also
based on the population's income and Linking Words
statul
than studies. Correct your spelling
status
For instance
, fast food's cost is cheaper than healthy Linking Words
meals
, so, many youngsters prefer to consume unhealthy foodstuff even Use synonyms
they
are educated and they know very well about the consequences. Correct word choice
though they
Therefore
, it's purely Linking Words
Correct article usage
an individual's
individual's
Change noun form
individual
decisions
and Fix the agreement mistake
decision
choices
.
In conclusion, Fix the agreement mistake
choice
although
Linking Words
education
motivates learners Use synonyms
eat
healthy Add the particle
to eat
foods
Use synonyms
instead
of unhealthy, and it Linking Words
start
from schools, Change the verb form
starts
individual's
preferences and choices are the primary liable Change noun form
individual
eating
fast Change preposition
for eating
foods
. Use synonyms
However
, in my opinion, aboutLinking Words
Correct pronoun usage
apply
this
, Linking Words
education
can alter Use synonyms
this
society from eating Linking Words
Junk
Use synonyms
foods
to healthy Use synonyms
meals
and it is more liability to reduce Use synonyms
this
phenomenon.Linking Words
Submitted by reanudeepan on
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General quality improvement
Ensure that all sentences are fully developed and contribute to the main argument. The essay contains some unclear phrases and minor grammatical errors that should be avoided to enhance clarity.
Technical quality improvement
Strengthen your examples to support your key points. While the essay does contain relevant examples, they can be made more specific and detailed to better illustrate the arguments.
Coherence/Cohesion
Work on paragraph transitions to improve overall flow and coherence. This will help the essay to read more smoothly and ensure that each point logically leads to the next.
Task response
The essay successfully covers both viewpoints mentioned in the prompt and gives a personal opinion.
Coherence/Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, clearly setting up and wrapping up the discussion.
Coherence/Cohesion
The essay has a clear logical structure with points organized into separate paragraphs, which helps to maintain coherence.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example