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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Each year the crime rate increases.What are causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?

#year #crime #rate #increases #rise #activity
There is an upward trend in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
crime
 activities during the
each
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
following year.
Main
Correct article usage
The main
show examples
 causes of criminal
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
involves
Change the verb form
involve
show examples
 family background and moral issues ,whilst the measures
such
 as
Correct article usage
the investiagtaion
show examples
investiagtaion
Correct your spelling
investigations
investigation
 of
offender’s
Correct article usage
the offender’s
show examples
 family and the services related to teaching moral
values
 to
people
 from
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 young age can avoid
this
 increase.
To begin
 with , some elderly
people
 and children suffer from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
abuse from their relatives or family members.
Thus
,sometimes their families force these victims into
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
such
 as burglary , robbery, carjacking and so on.As the family members
threat
Replace the word
threaten
show examples
 those elderly individuals and kids ,those victims will
get
Verb problem
have
show examples
 no choice but
continue
Fix the infinitive
to continue
show examples
 to engage in criminal activities to survive.
For instance
, the statistics show that Chicago has
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 significant rate of
people
 who have
experinced
Correct your spelling
experienced
 abuse during their lifetime.
Following
this
,
this
 city has 3rd place among the ones that recorded the highest
crime
 rate .
Moreover
, nowadays more
people
 lack
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
honesty so they do not respect
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 other individuals .
As a consequence
 ,
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of offenders
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 mainly involved in identity theft,
humantrafficking
Correct your spelling
human trafficking
human-trafficking
,
drugtrafficking
Correct your spelling
drug trafficking
drug-trafficking
 and fraud.They simply do not care the moral
values
 and
not
Add a missing verb
do not
show examples
 have
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
 of empathy towards the world. As
effective
Correct article usage
an effective
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 solution to tackle
jump
Correct article usage
the jump
show examples
 in criminal behaviour , the court may investigate the families of those claimed for
crime
Add an article
the crime
a crime
show examples
 scene.The police officers and detectives may implement in-depth analysis of the behaviour and historical records of family members to identify whether they have
suspectful
Correct your spelling
suspect
respectful
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 and
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 associated pattern related to
crime
Add an article
the crime
a crime
show examples
 scene.
Second
Correct article usage
The second
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 proactive step to mitigate
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 growth in criminal rate includes some relevant teaching and training programs for all children around the country.Those programs may consist of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
psychological sessions to emphasize the importance of moral
values
particularly
Add the comma(s)
, particularly
show examples
 honesty.The children may have
case-studies
Correct your spelling
case studies
show examples
 and simulations to experience some challenging situations.
Consequently
 ,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
pyschologists
Correct your spelling
psychologists
psychologist
 may guide the kids and recommend the certain
according to
 how to act at difficult times ,
while
 having respect
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 others’
personality
Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
show examples
 and without giving harm to any
properties
Fix the agreement mistake
property
show examples
. To summarize, the family background and lack of moral
values
 have
major
Add an article
a major
show examples
 effect
over
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the increasing number of
crime
 scenes ,
while
 the courts may implement the investigation of criminals’ families and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 may provide
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teaching programs associated with moral
values
 to kids in order to prevent criminal
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
activity
.
Submitted by nezrin.ceferova2016 on

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coherence cohesion
The overall structure is good, but the essay would benefit from clearer paragraphing and transitions. Try to make the flow of ideas more seamless.
task achievement
Some sentences are difficult to understand due to grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Aim for clarity and simplicity in your sentence construction.
task achievement
Consider providing more detailed and relevant examples to support your points. This will strengthen your argument and make your ideas more convincing.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively, identifying both causes of crime and suggesting measures to prevent it.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and adequately frame the essay. This helps in maintaining a clear structure.
task achievement
Examples given, such as the statistics from Chicago, are relevant and support the main points of the essay well.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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