IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

The chart below shows information about Heart Attacks by Age and Gender in USA. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. • You should write at least 150 words. • You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

The chart below shows information about Heart Attacks by Age and Gender in USA. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. • You should write at least 150 words. • You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
#information #heart #attacks #age #gender #usa #summarise #features #comparisons #minutes
This
 bar chart depicts the status of the
Heart
 Attacks
due to
 one year in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, divided
according to
 the gender (
men
 and
women
) and the
age
 groups (29-44, 45-64, 65+). At first sight, it's seen
explisitly
Correct your spelling
explicitly
, that
men
 are suffering from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
heart
 attacks more than
women
, and for
them
Add a comma
them,
show examples
 it's a very young disease.
Firstly
, in the youngest
age
 group, 29-44, there are almost a
men
 alone, 123
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men
 and only 3
thousands
 of
women
 who have a
such
medicine
Replace the word
medical
show examples
 problem.
Secondly
, in the
age
 group of 45-64, we can see
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 rapid increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of patients with infarction in both genders - 424
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men
 and 136
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
women
. In the third
group
Add a comma
group,
show examples
 we can see an interesting
phenomen
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
phenomena
. The amount of
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
men
, who suffer from
heart
Add an article
a heart
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
,
Correct subject-verb agreement
remains
show examples
remain
Correct subject-verb agreement
remains
show examples
Correct your spelling
stable
staible
Correct your spelling
stable
, without significant changes (440
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
), but the number of
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
 patients
grows
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
Change preposition
by
show examples
up
Change preposition
by
show examples
Change preposition
to almost
show examples
almost
Change preposition
to almost
show examples
 three hold and
Correct subject-verb agreement
achieves
show examples
achieve
Correct subject-verb agreement
achieves
show examples
Correct article usage
a
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 huge number of 374
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
thousands
Correct your spelling
thousand
show examples
Change preposition
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a cases
Correct the article-noun agreement
cases
a case
show examples
. In conclusion, we can see, that
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
men
 have to pay a lot of attention to their
heart
 health from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 very young
age
, and
women
 have much more free time - up to
their
Change the word
the
show examples
age
45
Change preposition
of 45
show examples
.
Submitted by anastasia on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words heart, men, women, age, thousands with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • occurrence
  • prevalence
  • age group
  • gender disparities
  • notable trends
  • significant
  • comparison
  • discrepancies
  • patterns
  • statistics
  • demographics
  • rate of incidence
  • proportion
What to do next:
Look at other essays: