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Band 5.5

Young people are often influenced by their peers. This is called peer group pressure. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #peers #peer #group #pressure
Peer
group
pressure
 has been present among youngsters for centuries but is evidently on
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 rise nowadays.
This
 can help push the younger generation into attaining certain career heights,
however
, it is a contributing factor to juvenile crime in society. In my opinion, the cons of
peer
pressure
 outweigh the pros.
To begin
 with, one main disadvantage of
peer
 influence on youngsters is the increase in crime rate among the population in
quest
Add an article
the quest
a quest
show examples
 to meet certain standards. They feel the need to follow the trend, appear appealing or financially buoyant like their folks and frame experienced like their mates, whilst in the process
lose
Wrong verb form
losing
show examples
 their morals and home training and often take actions to belong even if it means going against the law.
For instance
, a young boy with a
group
 of friends
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 appear rich, use the latest gadgets, take illicit drugs and even molest
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
female kids will eventually see the need to steal money from parents or through robbery so as to acquire
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
expensive things.
This
 teenager may start using illegal drugs and sexually harass the girls to pose
mature
Rephrase
as mature
show examples
 and experienced.
However
, there can be an advantage associated with
peer
group
pressure
 which is the encouragement to attain certain heights in their academics and career. Young people have the compulsion to work harder in school to do academically better than their folks and at work to get promoted ahead of their colleagues.
For example
, research has shown that there is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stiff competition in the world which is now a small global village. The population see the need to invest more time to acquire better knowledge and position which is evident in schools and work environments and is irrefutably sparked up by
peer
group
pressure
. In conclusion, I believe that the disadvantages of
peer
pressure
 surpass the advantages. Though
peer
group
pressure
 can help push the younger generation into attaining certain career heights, it is a major contributing factor to the increased juvenile crime rate in society.
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task achievement
Your essay effectively presents both advantages and disadvantages of peer group pressure, which is crucial for task response. However, try to include more specific examples and develop them in detail to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your paragraphs. For instance, make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and avoid mixing multiple ideas in one paragraph. This will help improve the clarity of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all sentences within a paragraph are relevant to the main idea of the paragraph. This will improve the cohesion of your essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and well-presented, providing a good frame for your essay.
task achievement
You have a complete response, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of peer group pressure.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your writing demonstrates a good command of English vocabulary and grammar, making your ideas easy to understand.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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