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Band 5.5

Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists but not local people. Why is this the case and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places?

#museums #sites #tourists #people #case #visit #places
There has been an argument that tourists around the world visiting historical monuments
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 brought several advantages
while
 some
people
said
Wrong verb form
say
show examples
 that it has detrimental consequences. In
this
 essay, I would like to argue on both perspectives
along with
 my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
 with,
people
 should recognize that there are two key explanations for the reason why visitors go to museums and historical locations are almost invariably more affectionate than residents.
Initially
, the gallery was quite familiar with local
people
. If the exhibition halls did not have new changes, dwellers would not see anything novel to discover.
Therefore
, local residents will feel bored
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the monuments because they go to the same locations repeatedly.
Nevertheless
, entrance ticket prices are quite costly to the locals.
For example
, in HCM city, there is a historical destination called Independent Place that attracts many tourists but local residents do not find any interest there because they
went
Wrong verb form
have gone
show examples
 there so many times,
On the other hand
, the government ought to have some ideas on how to resolve these issues effectively.
Furthermore
, authorities want to put more money into exhibitions so that items on exhibit can be updated. The more inventive a gallery is, the more nations are drawn to it.
Besides
, areas must be left free for indigenous
people
.
For instance
,
people
 who live near the Independent Place can be free to enter the monument.
As a result
, they could find plenty of
interests
Fix the agreement mistake
interest
show examples
 there.
Additionally
, local
people
 are able to find jobs which leads to a growing economy. All in all,
this
 trend has numerous obvious causes.
Conversely
, the administration must put in more effort to attract
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
show examples
.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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task achievement
The essay introduces the topic and provides a general opinion, but it lacks a clear thesis statement. Consider refining the introduction by stating your central argument more explicitly.
task achievement
Some points in the essay are repetitive, particularly regarding local residents' disinterest. Strive to introduce a variety of reasons and support them with specific examples or further explanations.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. It's currently a bit disjointed with mixed explanations and solutions within paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Work on transitions between ideas and paragraphs to maintain a smoother flow. This will help improve the coherence and overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task prompt well by discussing both why local people might not visit museums and historical sites and offering potential solutions.
task achievement
There are relevant and specific examples, such as the mention of Independent Place in Ho Chi Minh City, which adds credibility to the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, summarizing the topic and providing closing thoughts, which is good for overall structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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