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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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In recent years, the issue of whether academies should replace ordinary
books
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 with
computers
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,
games
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 and
films
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 in the education process or not has gained significant attention. From my point of view, I fully agree with
this
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 novel idea. First of all, it is obvious
to note
Verb problem
apply
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that data and
knowledge
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is
Change the verb form
are
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 better stored and reserved by modern technological means rather than
books
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,
moreover
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, it is more accessible that way. To be specific, as long as the internet and the data storing platform,
cloud
Correct article usage
the cloud
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, still exist,
knowledge
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 stored in it will never be lost and can be reached with just a click of a button. Compared to
its counterpart
Fix the agreement mistake
their counterparts
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,
books
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 can
eradicate
Wrong verb form
be eradicated
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 over time, making letters written in them illegible and
therefore
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lead
Wrong verb form
leading
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 to loss of
knowledge
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.
Furthermore
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, finding
books
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 matching the lecturer’s and the curriculum’s demands can be extremely difficult nowadays since there are millions of different
books
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 referring to one similar topic but with different approaches and levels.
Hence
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,
books
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 should be replaced by modern means
such
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 as
films
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,
games
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 and
computers
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 because only
then
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,
knowledge
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 can be stored eternally and easily accessed. To assert more credence to my assertion, it is necessary to state that
films
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,
games
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 and
computers
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 can pique greater interest in students nowadays than boring
books
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. To be specific,
films
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 and
games
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 are much more advanced forms of storing and transcending information than
books
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 since they can portray
knowledge
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 with
such
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 liveliness.
For
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instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 a Vietnamese game, 1977, illustrating the Vietnam
war
Capitalize word
War
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 in the 1945 to 1975 time period, has gained significant attention and embracement by both the young and the old with its extremely realistic picturing of the war. It not only provides historical lessons to its players but
also
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 brings tremendous enjoyment through the experience of participating in the war.
Books
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,
on the other hand
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, can only do that via letters, sentences and non-moving pictures, which are apparently not as entertaining.
Thus
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, integrating
films
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,
games
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 and
computers
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in
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into
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 the curriculum can stir the learners’ interest far more efficiently than
books
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 can. In conclusion,
due to
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 the convenience
in
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of
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 accessing, the ability to store data without flaws and the provision of enjoyment in the learning process,
games
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,
films
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 and
computers
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 are perfect and better substitutions
of
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for
show examples
books
Use synonyms
.

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introduction
Your thesis statement clearly presents your stance, but try to succinctly summarize the main points you will discuss in the essay for a more robust introduction.
examples
Consider exemplifying your arguments with more varied and precise examples. While the Vietnamese game example is good, adding more variety would strengthen your essay.
transitions
Some transitional phrases or linking words could enhance fluidity between paragraphs and ideas. This would make the text more cohesive.
grammar
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and word choice that slightly impede the clarity of your ideas. For example, 'transcending' should be 'transmitting' in the context used.
introduction
Your introduction effectively introduces the topic and states your position clearly.
paragraph structure
Each paragraph develops a single idea well and stays on topic, contributing to the overall coherence.
examples
Your use of specific examples helps to illustrate your points effectively.
conclusion
You have a structured conclusion that summarizes your main ideas and reinforces your stance.
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