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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the proportion of the workforce who are women and the proportion of managers who are women in five different countries. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows the proportion of the workforce who are women and the proportion of managers who are women in five different countries. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The table above depicts the representative of
women
Use synonyms
 as the manpower and the
managers
Use synonyms
. There are five various countries. In general, the representation of
women
Use synonyms
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
workforce
Use synonyms
 in Egypt is the lowest and for the
managers
Use synonyms
is
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 Sri Lanka. On the other sides, Japan is the highest with
women
Use synonyms
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
workforce
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, America and Australia
are hold
Change the verb form
are held
are holding
show examples
 in the first place by
women
Use synonyms
 as
managers
Use synonyms
. First of all, the spare
gap
Use synonyms
 between manpower and
managers
Use synonyms
 in Australia is not that deep. It is only 1 per cent.
Besides
Linking Words
, the participation of
women
Use synonyms
 in Egypt in
work
Add an article
the work
show examples
 world is very low which is below 25 per cent, both of the
workforce
Use synonyms
 and the
managers
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, there is a big
gap
Use synonyms
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to other countries.
Then
Linking Words
, Sri Lanka is
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the third position in
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the workforce's
show examples
workforce's
Change noun form
workforce
show examples
 categorization and
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
last
Linking Words
 rank in
manager's
Correct article usage
the manager's
show examples
 categorization.
Move
Wrong verb form
Moving
show examples
 to Japan, there is a profound
gap
Use synonyms
 between
percentation
Correct your spelling
presentation
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
workforce
Use synonyms
 and the
managers
Use synonyms
. The
managers
Use synonyms
 in Japan
just
Add a missing verb
are just
show examples
 about 17 per cent by
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
.
Last
Linking Words
 country, same as Australia, the USA did not have a big
gap
Use synonyms
 between the
workforce
Use synonyms
 and the
managers
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, managers, workforce, gap with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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