IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tooL Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh tne benefits?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
on
Change preposition
In
show examples
this
Linking Words
 advancement of technology era, more and more
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 have been created and covered all parts of the globe.
Therefore
Linking Words
, It is debated among the public whether
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 as harmless or opposite effect on the people who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 playing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them. From my perspective, the drawbacks of
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 outweigh the upsides which I will explain in the following paragraph.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are some advantages
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
. First of all,
this
Linking Words
 can be used as a type of entertainment
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 all age groups to relax and release stress.
For instance
Linking Words
, some adults might find
this
Linking Words
 as a way to enjoy themselves by focusing on their favourite
games
Use synonyms
 after working
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
such
Linking Words
hectic
Correct article usage
a hectic
show examples
 day to relax.
Second,
Linking Words
nowadays there are lots of computer
games
Use synonyms
 that provide
enducational
Correct your spelling
educational
 benefits to children
such
Linking Words
 as
minecraft
Change the capitalization
Minecraft
show examples
 and
wordscapes
Change the capitalization
Wordscapes
show examples
 virtual
games
Use synonyms
 which enhance problem-solving skills, teamwork and vocabulary.
Not to mention
Linking Words
, creative development in children
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 them to be more
creativity
Replace the word
creative
show examples
 and strategic thinking. In
constract
Correct your spelling
contrast
,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
playing computer
games
Use synonyms
aggresively
Correct your spelling
aggressively
 or
addicted
Replace the word
addiction
show examples
also
Linking Words
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to health and mental concerns.
For example
Linking Words
, an individual who
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
continuously
sit
Correct subject-verb agreement
sits
show examples
 in front of the electronic
devide
Correct your spelling
device
divide
 for hours can lead to serious sedentary lifestyles namely obesity and heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
, long screen hours might
potential
Change the word
potentially
show examples
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to eyesight issues. On top of that,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of interaction with others can cause
self isolation
Add a hyphen
self-isolation
show examples
 from
outside
Add an article
the outside
show examples
 world which can link to depression and anxiety.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, academic performance shows
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 trend if they
failed
Wrong verb form
fail
show examples
 to balance both entertainment and
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
show examples
 wisely. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 playing a game provides comfort to a person but
also
Linking Words
considering
Wrong verb form
considers
show examples
the significant negative impacts on individuals including health and mental
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 that can ruin
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 if addicted to a game.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the demerits outweigh the merits.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
In the introduction, clarify the topic and your position more concisely. Also, correct minor grammatical errors to improve readability.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to maintain logical flow. Avoid abrupt topic changes.
task achievement
Provide more detailed and relevant examples to support your points, especially in the sections discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of video games.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You've highlighted both the benefits and drawbacks of video games, addressing multiple perspectives.
task achievement
Efforts to provide concrete examples, such as specific games and their impacts, are evident and useful.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • harmless fun
  • educational tool
  • adverse effect
  • benefits
  • drawbacks
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving abilities
  • social interaction
  • multiplayer games
  • teamwork
  • communication skills
  • creative development
  • strategic thinking
  • health concerns
  • addiction
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • aggression
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • academic performance
  • moderate and responsible gaming
  • balanced perspective
What to do next:
Look at other essays: