IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

In many countries, an increase in crime has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #crime #images #television #computer #video #games
Nowadays, youngsters are often involved in harassment crimes.
Parents
 have been blaming and suing TV, computer, and game production companies for selling out violent images that cause their
children
 to commit
such
 crimes.
Nonetheless
, I would say that I disagree with the
parents
' actions for some reasons that are set out below. Entertainment companies often want to make higher sales. They might see that violence-themed entertainments are very likeable among people.
Hence
, they produce
content
 and games
such
 as shooting, fighting, and killing.
However
, it seems that people are
very
Rephrase
so
show examples
 into the
content
 that it changes their behaviour. As an example, I read on the news that there was a child who hit his friends just because he felt that he was the game's character.
Nevertheless
, the
parents
 sued the gaming company because it sold
such
content
 for
children
 to play. From the company's defence,
parents
 should always supervise their own
children
. They should be able to tell whether the entertainment is appropriate for youngsters. It is believed that most
parents
 do not take good care of their
children
.
As a result
, it is more likely for
children
 to access
content
that is
 not suitable for their age.
For instance
, there has been a survey that concluded
parents
 are often too busy with their work that they neglect their
children
. They only provide money for them but do not give them any attention that they need. Ultimately,
parents
 should have been more responsible for their
children
 in order to avoid a rise in violent crimes. They need to reflect on themselves on how they raise their
children
 and stop blaming it on entertainment companies.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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clear ideas
Improve the clarity of your arguments and examples to strengthen your position. Ensure that each point is well-explained and supported with detailed examples.
logical flow
Enhance the logical flow between paragraphs by using more linking words and phrases. This will improve the overall coherence and make your essay easier to follow.
language precision
Double-check your essay for minor grammatical and vocabulary inaccuracies to enhance your score.
introduction
The introduction clearly outlines your position on the issue, effectively setting up the rest of the essay.
task response
You offer a well-defined viewpoint regarding the role of entertainment companies and parents in a child’s exposure to violence.
conclusion
The essay includes a conclusion that effectively summarizes your main arguments and reinforces your standpoint.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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