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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, an increase in crime has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #crime #images #television #computer #video #games
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In many countries, violent
images
 on
television
 and in computer and video games have been blamed to be the main reason for the increase in
crime
.
While
 there are some people who disagree with
this
 statement, I believe that violent
images
 are the main cause of the rise in the number of people involved in
crime
.
Children
 are known to be easily affected by the things that they see other people do, and in
this
 modern age, many
children
 watch
television
 and play video games. When
children
 see the violent
images
 displayed
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 both devices that they watch and play, most of them will be affected and they will implement the violent
images
 that they saw in their daily lives. If they keep doing violent acts, they will grow up to be a violent person and they will eventually commit a
crime
. Other than the effect of violent
images
 on
children
, it can
also
 be a sort of motivation for criminals. Criminals who do not know how to do a certain act of
crime
 can get inspiration from the violent
images
 that are shown on
television
 or in computer and video games. A criminal who previously didn't know how to strangle a person or how to use a gun
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can learn these things through observing the violent
images
 which are shown on the mentioned platforms,
hence
 rising
crime
. In conclusion, I strongly believe that violent
images
 on
television
 and other electronic
devises
Replace the word
devices
show examples
 are to be blamed for the increase in
crime
.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
You have provided a response that addresses the prompt effectively, but it would be beneficial to include more varied perspectives on the issue. Consider acknowledging other causes of crime which are commonly discussed to present a balanced argument.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples or evidence to support your main points. This will add depth and credibility to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph logically follows from the one before, creating a smooth, cohesive flow of ideas. Consider using more linking words or phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction succinctly introduces the topic and your stance, setting a clear direction for the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your perspective, providing a strong closing to the essay.
logical structure
You have structured the essay in a way that your main points are identifiable, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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