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Band 4.5

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individual. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #purpose #schools #children #citizens #workers #benefit
Some
individuals
 believe that teaching children in
school
 is the main purpose of being good citizens and
workers
 rather than to benefit them as
individuals
.
Therefore
 , others disagree with
this
 statement. In
this
 essay , I will discuss both views and I will draw my personal conclusion. On the one hand, there are two main reasons that some people agree that the purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and
workers
. The first reason is good learning . It is a significant factor in building kids to be better
workers
 in future in the society.
Thus
, schools play a major role
to build
Change preposition
in building
show examples
 the skills and abilities of
students
 for the future. What is more,
educational
Add an article
the educational
show examples
 environment is the second reason. It helps to graduate a higher citizen with a greater education to improve the economy of society
According to
 a new survey of many companies , " A majority of
students
 had a higher percentage in
school
 because of the education environment in
school
.
Thus
, it is increasing their performance to be good workersworkers".
On the other hand
, other people argue that the
school
 plays the main role in benefiting
students
 as
individuals
. There are many reasons for
this
 situation.
Firstly
, the development of individual skills is the first reason in
school
.
Therefore
,
this
 can improve the performance of the
individuals
Change to a genitive case
individual's
individuals'
show examples
 skills in what they love in
school
 and out of
school
. They can open their own project and
increasing
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
 their own
income's
Change noun form
incomes
show examples
. In conclusion, there is no one can deny that schools play a major role
for build
Change preposition
in building
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
good
students
 who are benefiting themselves and
to be
Change the verb form
are
show examples
a good
Correct the article-noun agreement
a good worker
good workers
show examples
workers
.
Thus
, I
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strongly disagree with
this
 statement because it helps
students
 in both views for themselves
firstly
 and
then
 for society to be good citizens and
workers
.
Submitted by almeem on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure that sentences and paragraphs flow smoothly from one to the next. Use transitional words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively.
introduction conclusion present
In the introduction, clearly state your position on the issue. The essay can be more persuasive if you express whether you agree or disagree more explicitly.
supported main points
Make sure that each main point you make is well supported with specific examples or evidence. This will strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
complete response
To achieve higher scores in task achievement, make sure your arguments are clearly presented and supported with logical reasons and examples. Avoid generalizations and provide more detailed explanations.
clear comprehensive ideas
To achieve greater clarity, try to avoid repetition and redundancy in your writing. Phrasing your ideas more concisely will improve the readability of your essay.
relevant specific examples
Include more relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points better. Concrete examples help to establish your argument more soundly.
task achievement
The essay attempts to discuss both views, which shows an understanding of the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, indicating an understanding of basic essay structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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