IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that because of email and telephone, communication among people is less personal now than it used to be. Do you agree or disagree with that view? Use specific reason and example to explain to your answers.

#people #email #telephone #communication #reason #answers
Nowadays, many people prefer to communicate through their
phones
 and emails rather than communicating in person . Do you agree with that ? In my opinion, I agree with
this
 statement . In
this
 essay , I am going to mention some of the reasons
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why I believe that . There are some reasons
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why I believe that
communication
 in person is getting less . At first , the phone's popularity
has been growing
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
 remarkably and it contains many good features.
However
 , it has a lot of drawbacks .
For instance
, there are several people who spend all their time on their
phones
 and that could lead to addiction , depression and isolation , all these examples make people feel that
communication
 in person is hard .
Furthermore
 ,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media is the main factor in making
communication
 through the internet more used .
For example
 , mostly everyone in the world that uses
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 influencer , and sometimes they get too attached and get influenced by them easily ,
therefore
, they see that their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 celebrity doesn't communicate personally very often so they just follow them . The truth is their celebrities don't post
personal
Correct pronoun usage
their personal
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 but they believe what they just see . In conclusion,
unfortunately
Add a comma
unfortunately,
show examples
communication
 through
phones
 and emails
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 getting
wide
Correct word choice
wider
show examples
 and more preferable
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
 communicating personally . I genuinely believe that because of the huge popularity of the
phones
 .
Also
 , the media sector and its influencers. And many other reasons .
Submitted by fiesaidi on

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task achievement
While your essay addresses the topic, it would be beneficial to further elaborate on your arguments and provide clearer and more detailed examples. This will help in reinforcing your viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
Try to link your sentences and paragraphs more smoothly. Using transition words like 'therefore', 'as a result', and 'furthermore' can help make your essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Consider structuring your essay by clearly separating the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each body paragraph should ideally discuss one main idea supported by relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting your main point of view.
task achievement
You have made a good attempt to provide examples to support your points. With a bit more detail, these examples can effectively reinforce your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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