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Band 5

Write about the following topic: In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #britain #someone #home #people #nurses #government #care
In
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 countries, it is common that after retirement
people
 tend to live in long-term care or Retirement homes. Some
people
 argue that the
government
 should support the cost of living.
However
, other thinks that it is the family's responsibility to look after them. In my perspective, the
government
 should allocate funds and provide
this
service
 to their
people
. In the following paragraphs, I will provide an explanation to support my idea. To commence with, the major reason to put their budget
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 old-age homes is that
people
 pay taxes to the authorities.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 is the legislative body which runs the Country with the money of taxpayers.Every individual pays taxes on various commodities like food, health services and every penny they earn throughout their lives. Health
service
 is a basic requirement for everybody. In Countries like Canada, Australia and New Zealand the
government
 spends money on old-age homes and takes care of the
people
 who are
sixty plus
Add a hyphen
sixty-plus
show examples
 or who are unable to take
Correct your spelling
care of
careof
Correct pronoun usage
careof them
show examples
, as they think it is their responsibility.
Therefore
, the UK
government
 should
also
 consider their budget for
this
service
. The other reason is to provide accessibility and equality among the citizens. There are many families who cannot afford to pay for their parents. There will be many
people
 who want to opt and live in a retirement home,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
due to
 lack of money they cannot. health should be accessible to everyone.
Therefore
, there should be basic living should be allocated
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 medical services. In Conclusion, it is the responsibility of the
government
 to take care of its citizens and to provide excellent
service
 for Elderly
people
 as they pay their taxes their whole lives.
Due to
this
, it may bring equality and everyone can access
this
service
.
Submitted by harshitkaur321 on

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task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples to illustrate your points. Specific examples can make your arguments more convincing and relevant to the reader.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on how the coordination between government support and family responsibilities can be balanced. This could provide a more nuanced view of the issue.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay. For instance, linking the introduction more clearly to the body paragraphs will help with cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical issues and to ensure clarity. Small errors in grammar and punctuation can affect the readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.
task achievement
The main points are relevant and generally well-supported, contributing to the overall strength of your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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