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Band 5

Nawadays families are not as close as they used to be. what do you think are the causes of this? what can be doen to make families closer?

#nawadays #families #doen
The idea of family is based on a knitted
relaitionship
Correct your spelling
relationship
relationships
 between parents and siblings.
Although
 recently
peaple
Correct your spelling
people
 will not agree with the concept of family , it will always be the pillar of a healthy
socity
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society
.
This
 essay will discuss the
factors
 that
fueld
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fueled
fuel
this
 idea, and it will look into solutions to create more of a
halthy
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healthy
relationships
Fix the agreement mistake
relationship
show examples
 within one family.
To begin
 with , the causes of
this
 gap between family members
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
to be associated with general
factors
 on top of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
spcific
Correct your spelling
specific
factors
 for each
houshold
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household
. In my personal view,
tecnology
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technology
 has to be one of the main
factors
 , as people think
commuunicating
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communicating
communication
 through
whatsapp
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WhatsApp
Whatsapp
 messages is sufficient to keep
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strong bonds maintained ,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 messages
lacks
Change the verb form
lack
show examples
 the advantage of emotions replacing it with
emojies
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emojis
, With time the sense of emotions will
disapear
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disappear
.
Moreover
 , long working hours can affect many families.
Woking
Correct your spelling
Working
show examples
 from 9 to 5
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 can be
chalenging
Correct your spelling
challenging
 for someone with siblings and parents , it will be hard to come home and have a meal together.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
factors
 can not affect a society with a
family oriented
Add a hyphen
family-oriented
show examples
mind set
Correct your spelling
mindset
show examples
. In my point of view , the solution
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 increasing problem in many societies is
witihn
Correct your spelling
within
with
 the people of it ,
weather
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whether
show examples
 it is the
govement
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government
 or
Correct article usage
the iniviual
show examples
iniviual
Correct your spelling
individual
 people . Many jobs do not require
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
7 hours
office
Change preposition
of office
show examples
 time that can be replaced with working at home days ,
as well as
on call
Add a hyphen
on-call
show examples
 shifts,
This
 can be
empleente
Correct your spelling
implemented
 by the government of
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
specialties
Change the spelling
specialities
show examples
. The technology aspect of the problem is a personal
goverance
Correct your spelling
governance
, we need to maintain relationships with visiting or even meeting for a quick coffee run , making plans on special
occations
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occasions
 and
congratulate
Wrong verb form
congratulating
show examples
 each other with a heartwarming gift at
thier
Correct your spelling
their
the
 door . In
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
technolog
Correct your spelling
technology
 and attending
work
Fix the infinitive
to work
show examples
 are as important as a family, and
interepting
Correct your spelling
interpreting
 the problem by pointing
the
Change preposition
out the
show examples
factors
 is crucial to
end
Change the verb form
ending
show examples
 up with
an effective solutions
Correct the article-noun agreement
effective solutions
an effective solution
show examples
 in bringing the family bond alive again.
Submitted by buhamadreham on

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is very positive. However, it would benefit from more detailed examples to support your points. Try to incorporate specific incidents or case studies wherever you can.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas need to be more clearly and logically organized. For example, break down your paragraphs more distinctly to separate different arguments. You could use transitional phrases to improve the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Be cautious with spelling and grammar errors which can distract the reader. For instance, words like 'knitted,' 'technol,' 'govement,' 'iniviual' should be corrected. Proofreading your essay before submission can help reduce these errors.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both parts of the task effectively, discussing both causes and solutions.
task achievement
You did a good job balancing formal tone and personal viewpoints, especially in the second paragraph where you delve into causes.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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