IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the company encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? Use your own knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

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In today’s contemporary society, a lot of enterprises grant high-powered jobs to males mostly rather than hiring females. I profoundly believe that currently, the
women
Use synonyms
's community is empowering which is a sign for companies to appoint more
women
Use synonyms
 to responsible posts because they are able to bring brand-new ideas to the table, evolving the company’s strategy in conjunction with showcasing a role model to the next generations.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is a cornerstone for modern businesses to comprehend people’s needs in order to solve them,
such
Linking Words
 as
women
Use synonyms
’s demands
thus
Linking Words
 a female leader would make ou of
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 better.
For instance
Linking Words
, regarding a company that supplies beauty services to
women
Use synonyms
, a female CEO would
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
 of what kind of explicit procedures they need
providing
Change the verb form
to provide
show examples
 to enhance
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 flow of customers.
Whereas
Linking Words
 men are not in the loop of what procedures are needed for
women
Use synonyms
,
for example
Linking Words
, growth of lashes, the
women
Use synonyms
 director firmly knows because she looks after herself in a
beauty
Replace the word
beautiful
show examples
 way. Another noteworthy drift refers to the auspicious example of high-profile females for upbringing generations. It is an undoubted fact that plenty of female adolescents always seek
for
Change preposition
apply
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an outstanding female in their circle, social media, etc. to look up to.
This
Linking Words
 is the reason why a female persona,
for instance
Linking Words
, a politician would have a positive impact on young girls.
Hence
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, government officials are obliged to have great manners, correspondingly manifesting a great effect on female teenagers in a way of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
To conclude
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 the aforementioned, I strongly give credence to promoting
women
Use synonyms
 more on top-tier jobs for companies, in the sense of positively altering not only the economic dynamics of a company but
also
Linking Words
 carrying after springs.

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task achievement
To improve task response, make sure your examples directly support your arguments and are elaborated more thoroughly. The example given about the female CEO in a beauty company is valid but could be expanded to clearly illustrate how it impacts company strategy and customer relations.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and well-developed, but pay attention to the complexity and variety of sentence structures to enhance clarity and engagement. This can improve the comprehensiveness of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that transitions between paragraphs and ideas are smoother. Sometimes, the ideas jump from one to another without sufficient linking. Using more cohesive devices can make your essay flow better and help maintain a logical structure throughout.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present and functional, try to make your conclusion more impactful by summarizing the key points in a way that strongly reinforces your position.
task achievement
Support your main points with more detailed and varied examples. For instance, you could provide statistical data or credible studies that illustrate the positive effects of women in leadership roles.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the topic and sticks to it throughout, showing a good understanding of the task at hand.
coherence cohesion
The introduction succinctly outlines the main points that will be discussed in the body, setting a clear pathway for the reader.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical structure to the argument, with each paragraph addressing a different aspect of the topic, which aids in coherence.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively circles back to the main argument and reinforces the writer’s stance.
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