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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The diagram shows the water cycle, which is the continuous movement of water on, above, and below the surface of the Earth

The diagram shows the water cycle, which is the continuous movement of water on, above, and below the surface of the Earth
The line graph shows the percentage of tourists to England who visited four different attractions in Brighton between 1980 and 2010. We can see
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that in 1980 saturated attraction was
festival
Correct article usage
the festival
show examples
. Exactly 30 %,
while
Linking Words
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 occupied from 10% to 25%.
Festival
Correct article usage
The festival
show examples
keep
Verb problem
remained
show examples
 constant between 1980 and 2010. The
art
Use synonyms
 gallery’s prime was in 1985
year
Check wording
apply
show examples
,
Use synonyms
art
Correct article usage
the art
show examples
 gallery dramatically increased in 5 years between 1980 and 1985 from 22% to about 36%. And
also
Linking Words
 fell dramatically in 5 years
on
Change preposition
by
show examples
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 as
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
before. In 2010
art
Use synonyms
 gallery lost popularity. Petty changed has Pier from 1980 to 2005, fluctuated between 10% and 15%, but closer
2010
Change preposition
to 2010
show examples
 year jumped over Pier.
Line
Correct article usage
The line
show examples
 graph
try
Correct subject-verb agreement
tries
show examples
 to show
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that Pavilion made a big leap, and saved
his
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 popularity, even in at the beginning wasn’t first. Always be like
pavilion
Correct article usage
a pavilion
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be said that
Festival
Correct article usage
the Festival
show examples
 kept stability popular.
Use synonyms
Art
Correct article usage
The art
show examples
 gallery even was at
prime
Correct pronoun usage
its prime
show examples
 didn't
last
Linking Words
 very long and fell like a sack
potatoes
Change preposition
of potatoes
show examples
. Pier
having
Punctuation problem
, having
show examples
 been downstairs, decided that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 he should be higher and stand in third place.

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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words art with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • evaporation
  • transpiration
  • condensation
  • precipitation
  • aquifers
  • percolation
  • surface runoff
  • replenishing
  • infiltrates
  • atmosphere
  • vapor
  • liquid
  • cycle
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