IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Excessive sugar consumption causes many diseases. Some people think that it is the government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption while others think that it is the individual’s responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views

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Too much consume
sugar
Use synonyms
 can lead to many diseases. Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that the
government
Use synonyms
 should take responsibility
to limit
Change preposition
for limiting
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 think it is more like
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
individual responsibility. I think it is both,
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
government
Use synonyms
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 can work together to decrease the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of diseases that
was
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 caused by
sugar
Use synonyms
consumptions
Fix the agreement mistake
consumption
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the
government
Use synonyms
 must
educates
Change the verb form
educate
show examples
 their citizens and
increases
Correct subject-verb agreement
increase
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 awareness of
health
Use synonyms
. The
government
Use synonyms
 can try to make a curriculum at school.
By
Change preposition
Through
show examples
 that, the students since early have a self-awareness
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the impacts of excessive
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption. Not only that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 the
government
Use synonyms
 can make a free webinar about
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
 from
lower-middle
Correct article usage
the lower-middle
show examples
 class still have access to
health
Use synonyms
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
. So, the
government
Use synonyms
 could adopt these
prevent
Replace the word
preventive
show examples
 ways to limit the amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 that the citizens eat.
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even though
 the
government
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a crucial role in
this
Linking Words
 case, the
people
Use synonyms
 must
responsible
Add a missing verb
be responsible
show examples
 for their own
health
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 can just as simple as in one day give 15 minutes to do exercises. Another thing they can do is routinely
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 medical
check-up
Fix the agreement mistake
check-ups
show examples
. I am totally sure that doing some
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 and
go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 to the doctor can help to control their
sugar
Use synonyms
consumptions
Fix the agreement mistake
consumption
show examples
.
Besides
Linking Words
, it will
give
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefits
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefit
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them because the costs for
inpatient
Fix the agreement mistake
inpatients
show examples
 in a hospital
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more pricey than spare time to exercise.
To sum up
Linking Words
, it is wrong if the
government
Use synonyms
 and the individual work independently to solve the problem of excessive
sugar
Use synonyms
. Both have their own proportions to facing
this
Linking Words
 case. If they work together, it will
make
Verb problem
increase
show examples
 the chance
to have
Change preposition
of having
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good
health
Use synonyms
bigger
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
.

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Vocabulary
Try to use more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance your language and make your points clearer.
Grammar
Avoid small grammar mistakes, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage; these can impact the overall quality of your essay.
Examples
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points, which will make your argument stronger.
Cohesion
Work on linking ideas more smoothly between sentences and paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay.
Conclusion
Your conclusion successfully summarized the main points and reiterated your stance, which provided a strong ending to the essay.
Argumentation
You have addressed both sides of the argument effectively, which shows a good understanding of the task requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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