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Band 5

Some people believe that teenagers should concentrate on all school subjects. But others believe that teenagers should focus on the subject that they are good at or that they find the most interest. Discuss both sides and give more option.

#people #teenagers #school #subjects #focus #interest #option
In today's
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 teenagers have a lot of ambitions. Most of their ambitions start during their time of studying in schools. In most cases, they find their love of doing something or anything studying and experiencing a new
subject
 or activity in schools. Now, some of them believe that focusing on the things that they are good at will benefit them in the future or a good investment in themselves.
On the other
hand
, some believe that focusing on all
subjects
 will be better for them. Today I am going to compare both
senarios
Correct your spelling
scenarios
 by comparing both of them. First of all,
lets
Replace the word
let's
let us
show examples
 talk about teenagers that believe they should
focus
 on all
school
subjects
. Focusing
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 all
subjects
 will for sure increase
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
knowledge and experience.
For example
;
lets
Replace the word
let's
let us
show examples
 say a
school
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has a total of seven
subjects
 and a
student
 will
focus
 on all of them. For sure they will gain more knowledge, but they won’t be as professional if they
focus
 on one or two
subjects
 that they are good at.
In addition
, they won’t exactly know what careers they will be focusing
after
Change preposition
on after
show examples
school
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other
hand
, it is actually a benefit for them in today’s system to
focus
 on all
subjects
 during
school
. Because, in today’s system if a teenage
student
 gets a high grade average
overall
 they will be
adimitted
Correct your spelling
admitted
 or accepted in most universities and colleges. Which, will open many
career
 options for them to study after
school
. Second of all,
lets
Replace the word
let's
let us
show examples
 talk about a teenage
student
 focusing on the
subject
 that they are good at. There are a lot of advantages of a teenager focusing on what they are good at.
For example
; they will know what
career
 paths to pick during their time in
school
, they will love what they will be doing, and they will be more innovative and create more ideas of the
subject
 they are good at. Disadvantages
on the other
hand
, as discussed earlier they won’t
be having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a higher grade average as compared to a teenage
student
 focusing on all
subjects
. To sum it up, there are many advantages and disadvantages for a teenage
student
 focusing on all
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 or a teenage
student
 focusing on the
subjects
 they are good at
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. They will both have their own
career
 paths. As I stated earlier, the teenager focusing on all
subjects
 will have played by the system correctly compared to the teenager that focused on the
subject
 that he or she is good
it
Correct your spelling
at
show examples
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other
hand
, the
student
 focusing on the
subject
 that he or she is good at will have a better
career
 path for knowing which
career
 path to take
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
during their studying time at
school
.
Submitted by ismailalmarri0 on

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your arguments. However, you should work on providing more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you can mention actual subjects and relate them to real-life careers or university programs.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is mostly clear, but there are moments where the essay feels repetitive. Try to avoid stating the same point multiple times in different words. Streamlining your arguments will help make your essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. For instance, 'compare both scenarios by comparing both of them' is redundant. Pay attention to sentence structures to make your essay more polished.
task achievement
Your essay does a good job of discussing both sides of the argument, demonstrating your understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-defined introduction and conclusion that help to organize your ideas clearly.
task achievement
Your points are generally clear and relevant to the topic at hand, which shows your ability to stay focused.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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