Band 8+: Directors and managers of organization are often older people. Some people say that it is better for younger people to be leaders. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
There is no denying the fact that manager levels are often elderly communities.
While
it is commonly held belief that it is better for young people to become a
Correct article usage
apply
leader
in organisations, there is Fix the agreement mistake
leaders
also
an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that young nation
should have a chance to be Fix the agreement mistake
nations
in
the managerial level.
Change preposition
at
To begin
with, the new employee generation are
generally Correct subject-verb agreement
is
creative
society. Correct article usage
a creative
In other words
, they are deeply focused on developing their knowledge of different work
types and currently becoming trusted in any field that results from their hard work
and ambition to create more. In addition
, young people can be leaders on a large scale not only in small organisations. For example
, the director of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed Bin Salman, started to become a leader around 8 years and during this
time he made a fabulous changes
, and Saudi Arabia experienced significant development, Correct the article-noun agreement
fabulous changes
a fabulous change
such
as allowing women to drive a car, the line project, and the Redsea project.
Another point to consider, a young community could be applying a massive era to the work
environment. It is also
possible to say that, following the leading trend and designing new strategies such
as,
rewarding employees and implementing a healthy workspace, Remove the comma
apply
furthermore
, enhance
the balance between life and Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
work
whereas
these acts represent necessary in jobs nowadays. For instance
, studies have shown most the
startup companies these days are glowing, and the major reason behind Correct article usage
apply
is
the owners are around 25-45 years old, that because of using a new leader methodology.
In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe thatCorrect pronoun usage
this is
,
younger should have an opportunity to participate in leading and represent themselves as official managers and directors.Remove the comma
apply
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coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of ideas. Consider using more varied linking phrases to guide the reader through your arguments smoothly.
task achievement
While your main points are well-supported, ensure that all examples directly reinforce your points. For instance, less detail about Mohammed Bin Salman's achievements and more about how young leaders generally influence development would be better.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced perspective, acknowledging both viewpoints and providing your opinion, which is essential for a complete response.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, clearly stating your position and summarizing your argument effectively.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.