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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.

The chart shows the percentages of the Canadian workforce in five major industries in 1850 and 2020.
#percentages #canadian #workforce #five #industries
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The bar chart provides information about the ratio of the Canadian workforce in five major companies in 1850 and 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
 , it can be seen that in 1850, a huge number of people were working in
manufacturing
Add an article
the manufacturing
show examples
 sector ,
while
Linking Words
 in 2002,
services
Correct article usage
the services
show examples
company
Use synonyms
 had
maximum
Correct article usage
the maximum
show examples
employees
Correct quantifier usage
number of employees
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with , in 1850 ,36% of individuals were working in
manufacturing
Add an article
the manufacturing
show examples
 sector. It was the
company
Use synonyms
 with
highest
Change the article
the highest
show examples
 proportion in 1850. The
worker's
Change noun form
worker
show examples
 ratio in services and agriculture/fishing companies was 33% and 22% respectively.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a few number of people were working in construction and energy/water
company
Use synonyms
 accounting for 5% and 3% respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , in 2020,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of individuals worked in services amounting to 81% .
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the percentage of
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 working in manufacturing
agency
Fix the agreement mistake
agencies
show examples
 was 9% . About 8% ,
employees
Change preposition
of employees
show examples
 were working in construction
Use synonyms
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
 in 2020.
Finally
Linking Words
 , 1%
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 were working in agriculture and energy/water zones.
Submitted by mianraza686 on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words company with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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