IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

#availability #entertainment #video #games #devices #individuals #society
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There is a belief that the ease of gadgets hurts
society
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 and individuals. It has not only affected health but
also
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 consumes
time
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 and distracts
people
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 from their work and studies. I completely agree with
this
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 notation that exceeding the craze for video
games
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 is a major setback for our
society
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.
Firstly
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, the easily available entertainment sources like mobile phones, laptops, and tables make it easy to play video
games
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 which withheld our
time
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.
People
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 use their mobile phones
while
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 driving,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
, and even during office hours.
This
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 habit makes them addicted to electronic media and distracts them from their work and studies.
Moreover
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,
this
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 habit may cause them to deteriorate health and wellness.
Instead
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 of doing some physical activities that make them fit and healthy,
people
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 utilize their free
time
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 playing
games
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 and scrolling on social media.
This
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 has become the main reason behind the unhealthy lifestyles of modern
society
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.
For instance
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, iPhone data records show that
people
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 spend 5-6 hours a day on their phones, which could be used for other productive activities.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 practice harms students as they are not playing
games
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 but are playing with their future. They dedicate precious
time
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 to playing
games
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 rather than investing it in their future.
This
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 practice will impact the mindset of the upcoming generation and
society
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. These fears can easily be compiled by looking into the popularity of online
games
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 and the growing numbers of their participants. To exemplify, the data collected by the National Surveillance Agency, 90% of PUBG
games
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 are played by students under 20. These figures are alarming for
society
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 because of the widespread of infamous entertainment sources.
To conclude
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, I can say that the availability of Internet resources and gadgets has largely affected individuals and
society
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.
This
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 notion needs to be addressed for the betterment of the
people
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, their health, and their future.
Submitted by amarjot755 on

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task achievement
The essay broadly addresses the task but could benefit from more balance by also acknowledging some potential benefits of handheld entertainment, even if minimally, to demonstrate a more comprehensive viewpoint.
task achievement
Ensure clarity and accuracy throughout; small language and grammatical errors were present (e.g., 'notation' should be 'notion'), which slightly hinder fluency.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Transitions can be smoother, and further connections between ideas will enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the argument and the conclusion summarizes the main points well, providing a clear position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported with relevant examples, making the argument more convincing.
task achievement
The essay contains clear and well-developed ideas, presenting a strong stance on the topic with logical reasoning.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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