IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

These days every human can freely use computers and network in their own purposes. Kids are not an exception , they also have an access to social network and social media respectively.

These days every human can freely use computers and
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their own purposes. Kids are not an exception , they
also
Linking Words
 have
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
access to social
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
 and social media respectively.
This
Linking Words
 situation actually can cause some serious problems
bound
Verb problem
related
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 kids and need to be solved on
time
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 we will determine issues and look for solutions to solve them correctly. One of the main
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
 which is caused by computers and children is
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
addiction. There are a lot of teenagers who can not even expect their lives without using gadgets. What’s more, use of them can directly influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their mental and emotional health. They can feel anxious and uncomfortable without access to the network, unsocialized, and frustrated about everything except for their computer.
For example
Linking Words
, mental illnesses like depression and psychosis can develop more rapidly in conditions where there is little interaction with society. As we already mentioned,
while
Linking Words
 spending
time
Use synonyms
 on computers, students pay less attention to their friends and family. In my opinion, the best solution to
this
Linking Words
 issue is to control the
time
Use synonyms
 spent using gadgets. Making a schedule can help normalize your daily routine and fill the gaps in your free
time
Use synonyms
 which is usually spent on videogames.
Moreover
Linking Words
, creating a timetable can assist you
to find
Change preposition
in finding
show examples
 new hobbies and interests, which you have not ever expected as your part of life.
For instance
Linking Words
, I used to
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 hours, playing some games on my laptop, but once when I was exhausted
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 doing nothing I decided to find a hobby. Now I have five more hobbies and feel myself more much better. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 I would like to say that creating
time
Use synonyms
 limits for yourself and for your kids is very important, because
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 can store an infinite amount of information that can and can not be useful for children, so you better control what you and your minors watch.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion
Your introduction effectively states the problem and what the essay will explore. However, it could be more refined. For example: 'These days, everyone, including kids, has access to computers and the internet, leading to some serious issues that need timely solutions.'
logical structure
Try to break down your body paragraphs more clearly. Ensure you have one main idea per paragraph and clear transitions. For example, you could start the paragraph talking about addiction with: 'Firstly, addiction is a significant issue caused by children's use of computers.'
clear comprehensive ideas
Use a more varied vocabulary and avoid repetitiveness. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'use of gadgets', try 'interaction with technology', 'screen time', or 'digital device usage'.
complete response
The essay directly addresses the problem of children's access to computers and network, making it clear what issues it will discuss.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides a personal example, which adds credibility to your suggestions and makes your argument more relatable.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: