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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #percentages #men #women #employment #four #countries #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar charts illustrate the proportion of people by gender in
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
 group from 60 to 64
years
Use synonyms
 old hired in different areas between 1970 and 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
, there was an upward trend in the figure of females who were hired for occupations in all given countries,
whereas
Linking Words
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 percentage of males experienced a contrasting movement over the given period. By the end of 1970, the figure of men being 60-64
years
Use synonyms
 old in America ranked the highest. A more
detail
Replace the word
detailed
show examples
 look at the charts clearly
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
show examples
 that in 1970, the
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of men in
Correct article usage
the aged
show examples
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
 group 60-64 got hired in all 4
given
Verb problem
apply
show examples
countries compared to the
whole
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
males in the same age group in Belgium, the USA, Japan and Indonesia was seven
tenth
Change to a plural noun
tenths
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 that figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 females in 4 countries fluctuated at around 60%.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in 2000, the percentage of men were 60-64
years
Use synonyms
 old in Belgium, America, Japan,
Indonesia
Correct word choice
and Indonesia
show examples
 were respectively 52%, 78%, 62% and 74%.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 proportion of women in Belgium and the USA decreased in comparison with 1970, the former was 8%, the latter was 45%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, that rate in Japan stood at 47%, particularly in Indonesia,
there
Correct your spelling
where
show examples
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of
women
Correct article usage
the women
show examples
 were 60-64
years
Use synonyms
 old getting hired.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment rate
  • percentage
  • trend
  • significant change
  • overall employment
  • societal changes
  • economic conditions
  • government policies
  • compare
  • highlight
  • individual country analysis
  • increased/decreased
  • similarities and differences
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