IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that men and women are equal and so women should be able to do any job they want. Others feel that men and women are not equal and therefore there are certain jobs which are not suitable for women.

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Currently, equal
rights
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 of
women
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 and
men
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 are not promoted in
UzbekistanWe
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Uzbekistan
 can cite as an example that they are occupying high positions and achieving great achievements in various fields. Despite the
fact
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 that
women
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's
rights
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 are defined by
law
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, there are many who oppose it. We can know
this
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 from the
fact
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 that our
women
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 are still facing various threats, are under various pressures, and their
rights
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 are being violated. In
fact
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, the
fact
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 that our
women
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 have the same
rights
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 as our
men
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 under the
law
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 does not mean that our
women
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 are superior to
men
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 in the family.
Although
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 it is established within the
law
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, in terms of religion and sharia, the man always prevails in the family. A lot of family conflicts are caused by our
women
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 and
men
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 who do not understand
this
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. The
law
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 of equal
rights
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 was issued mainly for the purpose of our
women
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 getting education, holding high positions, freely expressing their
opinion
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opinions
show examples
, and protecting them from violence.
As a result
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 of the President's actions, our
women
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 are being given great legal opportunities. After the signing of the
law
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, the number of entrepreneurs, high-ranking officials, and members of the senate is increasing among our
women
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. There are even those who are running for the presidency. It must be admitted that our
women
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 are still not equal to
men
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 in some areas that require hard work, but it is clear to everyone that in other areas our
women
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 achieve better results than
men
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.

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What works well

2
complete response

You have addressed the issue by discussing the current state of gender equality in Uzbekistan and mentioning various aspects such as legal rights and cultural practices.

clear comprehensive ideas

You have made an effort to discuss both the legal and practical sides of the issue, which helps to show a balanced perspective.

Improvement Suggestions

3
introduction conclusion present

Your essay needs a clearer introduction that outlines the main points you will discuss. Try to start with a general statement about the topic and then introduce your specific viewpoint.

relevant specific examples

Make sure to provide specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention particular fields or jobs where women have achieved high positions.

logical structure

Work on structuring your essay more clearly. Use paragraphs to separate different points or arguments, and ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender equality
  • workforce
  • diversity
  • business outcomes
  • female leaders
  • perceptions
  • gender roles
  • societal norms
  • stereotypes
  • human potential
  • job suitability
  • physical attributes
  • skills
  • qualifications
  • passion
  • male-dominated fields
  • engineering
  • military
  • leadership roles
  • breaking down stereotypes
  • encouraging diversity
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